Just one year ago

This month marks one year since I packed up the boys and myself and walked away from my marriage to Jimmy. April 5 was the actual day I decided to leave and it was probably the hardest decision I’ve had to make. On that day I literally thought that life was over (yes, I know that sounds extreme) even though I had to appear strong for my kids and the people around me. Heartache, sadness, shock, anger, all balled into one emotion.

I am amazed and grateful that life can do a 180 in just a matter of months. I no longer feel life is over, but instead I feel it is just starting. A new chapter has opened in my book of life. I am the happiest I’ve been in an extremely long time and I have a divorce to thank for that. My divorce is a cause of happiness? WOW!

The reality

So, today I got the very first child support check from Jimmy and it's with mixed emotions. I look at it and feel it's justice that he finally has to own up to his responsibility. I think of how the kids will benefit from his money. But for some reason the reality that our marriage is over is finally hitting home. Before now, it's just been "oh I'm getting a divorce, no big deal" but to see this piece of paper in my hand is weird. I'm happy and sad at the same time. Sad that I have to put the kids through this but happy that this is a new beginning or a new chapter of my life.

Promises, promises, and more promises!

Over the weekend I had alot of thinking to do and it was really quite simple. I came to the same conclusion every single time. I don't want to be with him any more! The fact that he left Gen and is expecting me to change my mind about the divorce in just a matter of days doesn't prove any type of love for me. It only shows how scared he is at the possibility of being alone. When I got into work this morning this email awaited:

Hey Baby I was just hoping you could tell me what all was on your mind. I will help with Daycare, go to counseling, and anything else you want baby. I feel like there is still something there betwen us I just need to give you time to heal. I also help pay you back for the lawyer and in the end if we decide its not the best thing to do I pay for the lawyer next time. Please baby dont go through with the divorce, give me some time to prove myself to you and time for your heart to mend. I love you so much and have been a jerk and a idiot for a while. I am ready to put you and my family first and to get our finances straight so one day we can have a house of our own.

My thoughts:

1. "Baby" will no longer be accepted as a form of endearment. I think I threw up in my mouth alittle.
2. He promises so much but will never put forth the effort.
3. These are only words to him, empty promises.
4. I've heard the same lines year after year and nothing has ever changed.
5. Jimmy is a jerk and an idiot. He himself admitted it.