Just one year ago

This month marks one year since I packed up the boys and myself and walked away from my marriage to Jimmy. April 5 was the actual day I decided to leave and it was probably the hardest decision I’ve had to make. On that day I literally thought that life was over (yes, I know that sounds extreme) even though I had to appear strong for my kids and the people around me. Heartache, sadness, shock, anger, all balled into one emotion.

I am amazed and grateful that life can do a 180 in just a matter of months. I no longer feel life is over, but instead I feel it is just starting. A new chapter has opened in my book of life. I am the happiest I’ve been in an extremely long time and I have a divorce to thank for that. My divorce is a cause of happiness? WOW!

Promises, promises, and more promises!

Over the weekend I had alot of thinking to do and it was really quite simple. I came to the same conclusion every single time. I don't want to be with him any more! The fact that he left Gen and is expecting me to change my mind about the divorce in just a matter of days doesn't prove any type of love for me. It only shows how scared he is at the possibility of being alone. When I got into work this morning this email awaited:

Hey Baby I was just hoping you could tell me what all was on your mind. I will help with Daycare, go to counseling, and anything else you want baby. I feel like there is still something there betwen us I just need to give you time to heal. I also help pay you back for the lawyer and in the end if we decide its not the best thing to do I pay for the lawyer next time. Please baby dont go through with the divorce, give me some time to prove myself to you and time for your heart to mend. I love you so much and have been a jerk and a idiot for a while. I am ready to put you and my family first and to get our finances straight so one day we can have a house of our own.

My thoughts:

1. "Baby" will no longer be accepted as a form of endearment. I think I threw up in my mouth alittle.
2. He promises so much but will never put forth the effort.
3. These are only words to him, empty promises.
4. I've heard the same lines year after year and nothing has ever changed.
5. Jimmy is a jerk and an idiot. He himself admitted it.

Jimmy wants to work things out

I got a phone call this morning from Jimmy (who was crying on the other end). He said he left Genny because he realized he wanted to work things out between us. You've got to be kidding!!! I decided to go to lunch with him because honestly I wanted the poop on the Genny situation. Not to mention, I really wanted to see him so hurt and depressed by the decisions he made in life.

When I returned from lunch he sent me the following email:

I just wanted to say it was very nice to have lunch with you today. You looked very good and beautiful as always. Baby I want you to know I do anything and everything to gain your trust and love back. I was wondering if you would like to come over sunday afternoon and maybe take the boys to the park. If that is to much to soon i will understand. I also was wondering if you might could put a hold on the divorce will we try to work things out. I truelly have never stopped loving you I was just stupid, and lead in the wrong direction. I should have been trying to make things right with you the whole time.

To this I say....what a crock of horse poo! There is no way I'm going to put the divorce on hold because HE wants to work things out.

An email from "Jimmy"

While on vacation, Jimmy sent me the following email. He should know after almost 7 years together that I know his writing skills. I know for a fact he did not write this. Jimmy can not put on coherent sentence together to save his life. I found out later that his girlfriend, Genny, wrote it. She doesn't know the Jimmy I know and is accepting his lies as the truth. She is going to find out sooner or later that he isn't who he says he is!

ok. I'm done and have had enough. First thing tomorrow I will have my own lawyer. I dont know who you think you are talk to but I am not stupid. NO the thing about having the boys around Genny, IS NOT standard, I have asked a lawyer about it! That is something that has to be added. If you think you what to add it and drag me to court every time you go right ahead, I hope you have some money saved up and a damn good lawyer. You are acting like a spoiled child who didnt get their way. YOU left me! You are mad that I am happy and moving on. I guess you thought I would be alone and waiting for you when you wanted to come back. I asked you to come back and get help and all I heard was how much you hated me and didnt love me and never should have married me. Well now you have what you wanted, your freedom.

About the bills, if you are saying that you are not going to pay the cell phone bill, thats fine. IT WILL BE turned off first thing tomorrow. You went running home to your parents where the only thing you pay is daycare. I dont care to hear about you paying rent and any other bills there. we both know that is a lie. You seem to have money for new clothes, trips out of town, hair, nails, eating out, but no money for daycare. GROW UP! You are a mother with responsibilities. If you dont want deal with acting like an adult, give me the boys and I will take care of them.

While I am on the subject of the boys....I dont care who or what you do, HOWEVER, if you think for a sec that you are moving MY boys out of state you have another thing comming!

I am again TELLING you that you need to have whatever you want out of the apartment NO LATER than JULY 15TH! If not it will all condisered ABANDONED PROPERTY and be thrown away.

Melissa, I am truely sorry we didnt work out. YOU left and we both need to move on. Our divorce needs to be handled and be done with. From this point on, unless it has to do with the boys or when you are comming to get your things or you are signing papers...I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU! Save whatever nasty email you are thinking about sending because I will not be answering you.

And the sadness sets in

It has been 3 days since I found out about my husband's secret messages on the internet and this is the first day that I'm actaully sad. It is the first day that I cried. You would think that I would be upset about losing a man that I married almost 6 years ago, but I'm sad that I don't want to work things out. That I would rather walk away from him instead of staying and repairing our marriage. I'm sad that I regret marrying him at 18 years old. I'm sad that I wish the kids weren't part of the picture because things would be so easy. And most important I'm sad that I'm taking our family away from my boys.

Separation

Jimmy and I separated today. I'm not sure what is going to happen in the long run. I'm trying to take things one day at a time.