My heart hurts

The kiddos are gone for the summer and I’m missing them tremendously. The house is not the same.

I miss their laughs.
I miss the constant hugs.
I miss hearing them say “I love you”.
I miss tucking them into bed.
I miss picking them up from daycare and hearing about their day.
I miss watching SpongeBob.
I miss someone sitting in my lap for a cuddle.
I miss playing games with them.
I miss their knock knock jokes about apple sauce.
I miss reading them their favorite books.
I miss their smiles.
I miss the little things they find so interesting.


I MISS MY BOYS!

Motherhood

Motherhood is tough. If anyone says it’s easy; they’re lying! It’s a never ending cycle of breaking up fights, laundry, cooking, cleaning, whining, crying, wiping butts, kissing boo-boos, watching SpongeBob for the 50 millionth time, etc. If you are lucky, you receive the precious gift of just a moment of sanity. This morning was the gift I have been waiting for.

The boys came home after Jimmy’s visitation weekend. In just a matter of days it seems as though they have grown inches. They were timid at first and not wanting to talk to me. That’s normal for both of them and I’m starting to get over it (it hurt a lot those first couple of months when they came home). All I wanted to do was have them in the same room with me.

This morning on my way into work, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of them. I was the crazy lady who couldn’t drive on the freeway because she wasn’t paying attention. Sorry to all those drivers out there who cussed and threw the bird at me. Anyway, this morning I looked at those two boys and realized that they are my heart, my soul, my everything.

Motherhood is tough, but it’s worth every single non-sanity minute.

Finger licking good

What's the best part of making a cake? LICKING THE BOWL!! I love the kid's faces in these pictures.

Happy Mother's Day

Today I received the best Mother’s Day gift. It wasn’t anything that could be purchased or made; it could only come from the heart. Isn’t that the gift all Mommy’s want the most?

Background information: About 6 months ago Jacob started saying “I like you” instead of “I love you”. I’m still not quite sure why he says like instead of love. He says this phrase quite often which is usually followed by a hug, a kiss, or a quick snuggle in your lap.

Sunday afternoon Chase and I were sitting on the couch watching tv while the 3 boys ran around the house. Jacob decided to sit on Chase’s lap and snuggle up to him. Out of the blue he says to Chase, “I like you”. Chase responded with, “I like you too buddy.” It took every ounce in me not to cry at that moment to see the two of them snuggled up and professing their “like” for each other.

Why do I consider this the best Mother’s Day gift? Because it confirms that I’m making the right decision moving in with Chase. It confirms that Garrett and Jacob are capable of opening themselves up to another man other than Jimmy (not that Chase is there to replace him). It’s not only about Chase and me; it is also about our children.

To all my Mommy friends I hope you had a great Mother’s Day!

Just stuff them in the trunk!

I found out that the kids can comfortably fit inside the truck of my car. This means when they are fighting over that one little hot wheel, I can throw them in the trunk. They think it's funny now. Just wait boys...just wait!

Painting, Gardening, and Mini-golf playing?

This weekend is going to be extremely busy and surprisingly I'm looking forward to it. Chase and I are planning on painting the boys room (currently it's a spare bedroom that is painted a dull grey - imagine the color of a jail cell). We will hopefully get their bedroom furniture put together. Do you think polka dots is too girly? Yes, you heard me right....polka dots for a boys room.

The paint issues for the rest of the house have been solved; we have both agreed to colors we like. The clouds have parted and I can hear the angels singing! Yellow for the kitchen/dining area and tan for the living room. Anything is better than pink and peach that is on the walls currently; which is what the ex wife had picked out!

I'm dying to get my hands on the pile of dirt you would call a garden and plant some flowers or bushes. Lets be honest though, I have no clue what I'm doing. I've looked online for some advice (because you get the best advice through the net...haha) but it is just mumbled garbage and makes you want to shoot your brains out.

In between all the painting, gardening, and putting furniture together we promised to have some fun with the kiddos. Maybe some 3-d mini-golf and balladium at Shankz. Or the park where they can run around until their little legs fall off. Decisions decisions! I'm asking all my friends to please donate some booze for my sanity!

Thoughts of becoming a surrogate mother

My good friend Holly has suffered her 3rd miscarriage and finding out the news leaves me HEARTBROKEN! She has tried so hard to have children and every time it has ended miserably. Her bubbly personality is shut down by the pain she is suffering.

I had the chance to talk with her Mom yesterday while picking up the kiddos, and she mentioned the possibility of Holly going through a surrogate mother (her egg and her husband's sperm). I've actually thought about this for several years, not for Holly personally, but just in general. Today I am doing some research; the risks, the benefits, the emotional side effects, medicines needed to be taken, IVF, etc.

The more I read, the more I realize that I'm not entirely 100% ready to make this commitment. Chase and I have talked about having a child together. Don't freak out people I won't be getting pregnant tomorrow. Anyway, I don't want to go through a pregnancy (even if logically I know it is not MY baby) and then turn around to hand it off. I need to deal with the my issues of pregnancy before making a decision.

I guess you could look at my "revelation" as growing up in some aspect. In past years, I would have jumped in without any regard to MY feelings simply for the gratification of someone else. Now, I realize that this also effects me. Maybe one day I will be 100% positive that it is the right decision (if not for Holly but someone else). Maybe a miracle will happen and she will be able to carry a child full-term with the help of a fertility doctor. I praying that happens.

What do I hear? A Who?

I picked up the boys last night to celebrate Garrett's birthday. 5 years old already! Where did the time go? How did he grow up so fast?

We decided to go see Horton Hears a Who, which was really good. Surprisingly, the kids acted well-behaved throughout the entire movie! Such a big task for two little boys who are constantly on the go.

After the movie I drove them back to Jimmy's house and the only thing I thought about was "only 4 more days and then they will be home".

Excuses are like buttholes....everyone has one

Garrett has been sick since Friday. Jimmy has been giving him medicine, but it didn’t sound like they were doing any good. I talked to Garrett on the phone yesterday and he sounded miserable. I talked to him again today to wish him a happy birthday and he sounded alittle worse. I finally demanded that Jimmy take him to the doctor. He gives me the “I don’t have the money” song and dance as usual. I told him fine, I’ll deposit the money into your account and I want receipts for the appointment and the medicine.

The appointment = $25
The meds = $20

Naturally I deposit $45 into his account and he says, “Well what about McDonald’s that I just paid for?” WTF?!?! Are you serious dude?

My son

My son. Those two little words are capable of moving mountains in a mother’s life. My son. Two words summoning forth a tidal wave of emotion – a powerful surge of parental love.

My son. The tiny being I carried right under my heart for nine months. I marveled as you made your debut into the world – completely dependent upon my commitment to you, my willingness to care for you, to love you, to help you become the man you were destined to be.

My son. A miniature man dashing through the year, crushing flowers in your hand – delivering me from piles of laundry, a sink full of dishes, unmade beds, and low-vaulted wishes into an expanse of unbridled affection and uninhibited expression. My son. Still needing my affirmation, my understanding, my appreciation, and my respect.

My son. A man in the making, a heart like putty in my hands. My son. A life so vital, so vibrant, so full of promise, just waiting to take flight, assume your independence, fulfill your calling, make your mark, and express your masculine soul.

My son.


* I wish I could claim this as my own, but I can not. This was taken from one of my Mommy calandars that have inspirational quotes and stories. *

The escapades of the weekend

So, this weekend the three of us spent the weekend at Chase’s house with Devin. Mind you, I’ve got an ear infection and a sore throat kickin’ and taking heavy meds for it. The re-introduction went great and they were getting along. Just happy to be with “friends”. We fit all three car seats into the SUV and piled in. Garrett and Devin had window seats and poor little Jacob was stuck in the middle. The five of us ran around Saturday morning doing some last minute errands. After the errands were done we went back to the house and the kids got to play. Can you imagine the noise level of 3 excited little boys? Chase and I were doing a lot of “No, don’t do that. Share your toys. Don’t run.” Yada yada yada. Of coarse there were lots of tantrums by us saying “NO”.

It’s about 2 o’clock by now and we are loading up to go to a birthday party. I figure with all the playing, running, jumping, etc that they have done the car would have put all 3 to sleep in an instant. WRONG! Still going strong. We get to the b-day party (which is at the museum) and they did mini tour of the dinosaurs. Yeah, not fun when all the kids are supposed to line up in a line and follow the tour guide. I’m constantly looking for them making sure they haven’t wondered off.

Jacob and Devin (with pizza faces)

Garrett with the fish

5 o’clock and the party is over. Nap time? NOPE! Still wide awake and yelling. We get the brilliant idea to go shopping for some items at Walmart. Shopping with 3 kids? We’re crazy! I won’t go into detail about our experience other than the fact that all of us came out alive. I had my doubts. It was semi late at this point and I’m starving. Nothing quick to make at the house so we stop at Sonic. The kids are STILL yelling and I have a mini meltdown right there in the car. I start crying. Chase is being really sweet saying it’s ok, reassuring me that things will get better, that this is new for all of us, and that things will calm down.

We finally get home, unload the car, and finish eating dinner. Devin says he wants to take a bath with EVERYONE and wants me to wash him. All 3 boys jump in the tub. Note to self: the tub is NOT big enough for all 3 kids. By 8:30 all the kids are in Devin’s room, laying on the floor, and watching a movie. Finally, peace and quiet and one by one they all fall asleep.

I won’t break down the day of Sunday even though we did a lot throughout the day. It was somewhat better than Saturday though. Devin was ready for us to leave when dinner was done. He wasn’t as fond of me and wasn’t in the mood to share his toys anymore.

So, my views of the entire weekend?

1. I want to neuter myself today. What was I thinking? Having another baby? HA!
2. Devin is going to have some boundary issues when we move in.
3. I need to bring lots of headache medicine and earplugs.
4. Chase is an awesome dad.
5. Having 3 kids so close in age could drive someone to drink. Please pass the booze!
6. Chase and I are never going to agree on paint color!

Is anyone up for some popcorn?

Robert, Stacy, and Lorelai came to visit today. The boys haven't seen them since Christmas so it was a nice to spend time with Lorelai (and Robert and Stacy of coarse). The three little munkins decided they wanted popcorn. Some candid shots from today!

Garrett and Lorelai

Jacob

Explaining divorce to the kids

I've gotten several questions on why we can't go "home" from the boys. Every morning Garrett will say, "We going home now?" It breaks my heart! My sister-in-law, Stacy, suggested a book that would explain some of things that are going on. Yesterday afternoon I stopped by the bookstore and picked up Dinosaurs Divorce. I'm actually surprised at how straight foward the book is. You think that your children are too young to be told what is really going on, but they need to know!