It's been one year!

Today marks one year since Chase and I "re-united". I sent a blind email to him just to see what he was up to, not to rekindle a relationship. Never in my life did I think that we would be where we are now; living together and making our blended family work. After one year I still have that butterfly in your stomach feeling when he kisses me. Hopefully, we will have many more years to come.

Welcome to Dallas

Chase and I had a kid-free weekend and went to Dallas to visit some friends. It was extremely nice to get away and spend time with Jake and Erin. We got home Sunday night drained and exhausted. Here are some pictures from Saturday.

Me, sitting on the potty. For real! LOL

Jake and Chase laughing, this was a common occurance!

I felt like this elephant was looking straight at me asking for help.

Erin and Jake

Happy Mother's Day

Today I received the best Mother’s Day gift. It wasn’t anything that could be purchased or made; it could only come from the heart. Isn’t that the gift all Mommy’s want the most?

Background information: About 6 months ago Jacob started saying “I like you” instead of “I love you”. I’m still not quite sure why he says like instead of love. He says this phrase quite often which is usually followed by a hug, a kiss, or a quick snuggle in your lap.

Sunday afternoon Chase and I were sitting on the couch watching tv while the 3 boys ran around the house. Jacob decided to sit on Chase’s lap and snuggle up to him. Out of the blue he says to Chase, “I like you”. Chase responded with, “I like you too buddy.” It took every ounce in me not to cry at that moment to see the two of them snuggled up and professing their “like” for each other.

Why do I consider this the best Mother’s Day gift? Because it confirms that I’m making the right decision moving in with Chase. It confirms that Garrett and Jacob are capable of opening themselves up to another man other than Jimmy (not that Chase is there to replace him). It’s not only about Chase and me; it is also about our children.

To all my Mommy friends I hope you had a great Mother’s Day!

Discrimination

Saturday night Chase and I went out to a local bar so we could celebrate his 29th birthday. It's a nice little bar that usually has a live band playing rock music. It is usually filled with a mix of people, young and old. There was a particular group sitting at a table in front of us; 4-5 couples who were all young, pretty, preppy, and skinny.

Chase had gone to the bathroom, and one of the girls came over to talk to me. She was asking where I had gotten my save the ta-tas t-shirt. She seemed friendly and was easy to talk with. Her husband walked over and grabbed her arm. Then he looks at me and says, "You don't need to be talking to or be seen with this fat bitch." She looked mortified and they both walked to their table.

I wanted to crawl under the table. It took every ounce in me not to cry. Chase got back and I went to the bathroom. I sat on the bench in shock, I had to get away from everyone. I finally composed myself and went back out to find Chase. Go figure that the same guy is walking in my direction. Instead of being nice and moving over in the pathway, he runs straight into my shoulder with his.

Chase and I left shortly after this and once in the car I told him what had happened. He was extremely mad, stopped in the middle of the road, and was tempted to turn the car around. I told him there was no point and to just take me home. Once we got home he told me how beautiful I was and how he would take me over those "skany girls" anyday. He knew I was hurt.

It's Sunday night and I still don't understand why that guy would say that. Why did I let him say that to me? Why did I (and still am) let his hateful words get to me? I'm tired of being the fat girl that people get to run over. I'm tired of being the fat girl, but in all honesty I don't see myself changing. So, shouldn't I just embrace my fat self and not get offended when someone discriminates against me?

Communication is my downfall

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Right? Hi, my name is Melissa and I can't talk myself out of a brown paper bag if it involves sharing my true feelings with someone I care for. Now everyone responds with, "Hi Melissa" with encouraging acceptance. (Oh what a perfect world I live in.)

After 8 months of solid bliss with Chase, it was bound to happen. *Cue in dooms day music* We had a major fight. Again, I admit that I started the entire thing because I couldn't tell him what was bothering me, and it only escalated after that. He wants me to be brutally honest, no matter what the cost, and I would rather bottle everything up.

It was a screaming, crying, exploding fight that finally ended when we both calmed down and talked about what was going on. Yes, I broke down and told him the things that were upsetting me (that's a step in the right direction). He admitted that he pushes people away before they hurt him. We held each other, cried crocodile tears together, and said the dreaded "I screwed up and I'm sorry".

So, we have some issues to work out together. My communication skills, or lack thereof, and his reaction of pushing people away. At the end of the day, I'm glad I'm able to work through our issues together and not separately. This little bump in the road will only make our relationship stronger.

*Us at Garrett's birthday party

Bowling!

B-O-W-L-I-N-G! Bowling, bowling, bowling...it's for you and me. My grandmother, Joyce, used to sing this every time we passed a bowling alley. To this day, I quietly sing this in my head when I think of bowling.


Chase and I went to Rock-n-Bowl with a couple of friends tonight. You can't beat 3 hours of non-stop bowling and cheap beer! I won't mention my score because it was pathetic. Let's just say I need to practice some more. By the time we left, I had a blister on my thumb and a buzz from the margaritas.

Jake and Erin

Chase and Melissa

Chase's divorce is final

Chase is finally a free man. I'm sure he feels like a heavy burden has been lifted off his shoulders. The stipulations of his divorce are as follows:

1. Chase has primary custody of Devin. (YAH!)
2. She is ordered to pay $100 in child support every month.
3. Chase remains in the house - she has 30 days to get out and he owes her $1250 for half of the equity in the house.
4. She has more than the normal visitation - extended weekends and one night during her "off weeks".

Those are the major ones that they fought over. He basically won every single item that he wanted - the single most important one being Devin.

It is a very good day!

I'm back from my lunch date!

Lunch was fabulous! Ok, my nerves got the best of me and I was a babbling idiot, but other than that it went well. I got there first, no surprise since I'm usually way early for everything, and waited for him. He walked up to me and gave me the biggest hug. Wait.....are those angels singing? I seriously did not want to let go. Chase looked AMAZING! I couldn't stop smiling at him and the butterflies were fluttering so hard that I thought they would start bursting out of my stomach.

Honestly, I have a feeling that he is just looking for a friend. Nothing romantic. And I'm ok with that. In the beginning of my search I wanted to find him to rekindle our friendship, so if nothing else comes from this then I'm ok with it. Ok fine I'll stop kidding myself. A little part of me wants something more. :)

I got back to the office and had an email waiting on my return. I can't stop smiling!

C: I am glad that we got together for lunch I enjoyed it. Now maybe this weekend you wont be so nervous.
Me: Thank you for coming and no problem about lunch! I had fun even though it didn’t seem like it. By the end, I wasn’t as nervous. And I promise I’ll try not to be nervous this weekend. Sorry, you just have that way with me. D@mn you! You looked good.
C: Why thanks, I was really enjoying your company, I almost did something but right at the last moment I decided that it might be best to wait a little while. Or atleast the next time we see each other.
Me: Like what?
C: Like you don’t know what I was walking you to the door of your truck for. You know what was on my mind.
Me: I’m innocent. Don’t you remember that? I have no idea what you’re talking about. I thought you were walking me to my car to be nice. :) Well, you should have.
C: LOL, well I did want to and thought about doing it if it makes you feel better.
Me: And honestly, I didn’t know if you were into me in that way. Or if you just want to be friends.
C: I surprised that you didn’t think that I would be into you like that, hell I couldn’t stop smiling

Meeting Chase for lunch

So, in just one hour I'll be seeing Chase for the first time in almost 8 years. I'm a nervous wreck! I send out a S.O.S. to my friends for a confidence boost:

"Tell me nice things…like Chase would be a loser if he didn’t fall in love with me the moment he sees me. And I’m so beautiful. LOL! Yeah right! I’m so nervous I want to puke over everything on my desk. I’m leaving at 11 to meet him!"

In moments my mailbox fills. Cyndi's responds first:

"You ARE beautiful!!! And smart and sweet and funny, and he would be a fool to do anything less than fall head over heels for you! But wait, I’m sorry, he can’t do that at lunch… HE ALREADY HAS! :) It’s obvious from his emails that he is already still gaga over you. So, be confident – know that he already wants you - and go knock his socks off even more. Go get him Tiger!!! :) And let me know immediately when you get back!! Good luck!!!"

Ok, I'm feeling better. Next is Stacy:

"You ARE beautiful! And you have an amazing personality, and you're funny, and smart! You obviously have a special something that's getting all these guys hooked on you from the 1st moment they're with you! Chase would be nuts if he didn't fall in love with you all over again as soon as he sees you today!!! I would advise NOT puking....that might not work for you ;o) Let me know how it goes!!!"

Without friends like this I think life would be miserable. I'm still nervous but I'm feeling much better about this lunch "date".

The wait is over

This morning I come into the office with a message waiting for me. I hold my breath and say alittle prayer that it's from Chase. Low and behold, it WAS from him! His response was:

"If by moved you mean to Lufkin then yeah i be the one, that has never forgotten about you and has tried to find you but the only thing i remembered was your old yahoo email address that didnt work. WOW what has been up, you look good and its glad to hear from you again."

Never forgotten about me? HUH?!?!?! He can't really be serious. Just reading those words gives me butterflies in my stomach. What do I write in return?

Finding an old love

I'm going to admit something that I haven't told anyone before. For the past 8 years, I've thought about an ex boyfriend of mine. Don't get me wrong, while I was married I never wanted to contact him for romantic purposes. Before I lost contact with him he was having some medical problems and I've always wondered how he was doing. Every time I searched for him I came up empty until today!

Chase was 20 and I was only 17. He was my first real boyfriend and someone I fell madly in love with. He broke up with me because of the age difference. He was about to turn 21 and wanted to be able to go to the bar and drink. Of coarse, I wouldn't be able to go with him and he didn't want to worry about me sitting at home. Yeah, it was a stupid excuse. I was completely heartbroken.

Chase and Melissa - 2000

I've been thinking about him lately. Wondering how his life is going. Did he get married? Have kids? In a perfect relationship? How is he doing medically? I'm not going to lie....he will always have alittle piece of my heart.

So, I did another search for him today thinking it would come up empty. The first couple of websites I visited came up with the same results (no person matching that name). I'm on the last site and I think I finally found him! His picture is blurred out and his profile is set to private BUT in my heart I really think this is the guy. I sent a short message asking if I had the right "Chase". I'm crossing my fingers that I get a reply.