The wait is over

This morning I come into the office with a message waiting for me. I hold my breath and say alittle prayer that it's from Chase. Low and behold, it WAS from him! His response was:

"If by moved you mean to Lufkin then yeah i be the one, that has never forgotten about you and has tried to find you but the only thing i remembered was your old yahoo email address that didnt work. WOW what has been up, you look good and its glad to hear from you again."

Never forgotten about me? HUH?!?!?! He can't really be serious. Just reading those words gives me butterflies in my stomach. What do I write in return?

Finding an old love

I'm going to admit something that I haven't told anyone before. For the past 8 years, I've thought about an ex boyfriend of mine. Don't get me wrong, while I was married I never wanted to contact him for romantic purposes. Before I lost contact with him he was having some medical problems and I've always wondered how he was doing. Every time I searched for him I came up empty until today!

Chase was 20 and I was only 17. He was my first real boyfriend and someone I fell madly in love with. He broke up with me because of the age difference. He was about to turn 21 and wanted to be able to go to the bar and drink. Of coarse, I wouldn't be able to go with him and he didn't want to worry about me sitting at home. Yeah, it was a stupid excuse. I was completely heartbroken.

Chase and Melissa - 2000

I've been thinking about him lately. Wondering how his life is going. Did he get married? Have kids? In a perfect relationship? How is he doing medically? I'm not going to lie....he will always have alittle piece of my heart.

So, I did another search for him today thinking it would come up empty. The first couple of websites I visited came up with the same results (no person matching that name). I'm on the last site and I think I finally found him! His picture is blurred out and his profile is set to private BUT in my heart I really think this is the guy. I sent a short message asking if I had the right "Chase". I'm crossing my fingers that I get a reply.

Promises, promises, and more promises!

Over the weekend I had alot of thinking to do and it was really quite simple. I came to the same conclusion every single time. I don't want to be with him any more! The fact that he left Gen and is expecting me to change my mind about the divorce in just a matter of days doesn't prove any type of love for me. It only shows how scared he is at the possibility of being alone. When I got into work this morning this email awaited:

Hey Baby I was just hoping you could tell me what all was on your mind. I will help with Daycare, go to counseling, and anything else you want baby. I feel like there is still something there betwen us I just need to give you time to heal. I also help pay you back for the lawyer and in the end if we decide its not the best thing to do I pay for the lawyer next time. Please baby dont go through with the divorce, give me some time to prove myself to you and time for your heart to mend. I love you so much and have been a jerk and a idiot for a while. I am ready to put you and my family first and to get our finances straight so one day we can have a house of our own.

My thoughts:

1. "Baby" will no longer be accepted as a form of endearment. I think I threw up in my mouth alittle.
2. He promises so much but will never put forth the effort.
3. These are only words to him, empty promises.
4. I've heard the same lines year after year and nothing has ever changed.
5. Jimmy is a jerk and an idiot. He himself admitted it.

Jimmy wants to work things out

I got a phone call this morning from Jimmy (who was crying on the other end). He said he left Genny because he realized he wanted to work things out between us. You've got to be kidding!!! I decided to go to lunch with him because honestly I wanted the poop on the Genny situation. Not to mention, I really wanted to see him so hurt and depressed by the decisions he made in life.

When I returned from lunch he sent me the following email:

I just wanted to say it was very nice to have lunch with you today. You looked very good and beautiful as always. Baby I want you to know I do anything and everything to gain your trust and love back. I was wondering if you would like to come over sunday afternoon and maybe take the boys to the park. If that is to much to soon i will understand. I also was wondering if you might could put a hold on the divorce will we try to work things out. I truelly have never stopped loving you I was just stupid, and lead in the wrong direction. I should have been trying to make things right with you the whole time.

To this I say....what a crock of horse poo! There is no way I'm going to put the divorce on hold because HE wants to work things out.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

I try to stay a positive person even through everything that is happening in my life right now. I have to believe that things happen for a reason and even though things aren't going so well at this moment that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. It has to get better! If I didn't believe that I'm not sure I would be able to get out of bed every morning.
Today was just a rough day in general. I woke up with a migraine and the kids were misbehaving, screaming, and into EVERYTHING all day long. Tonight as I sit at home I'm feeling overwhelmed.

The light at the end of the tunnel seems like it is disappearing rather than getting brighter.

An empty house

Today was a busy day for me, extremely busy! Jimmy took the kids out of town to see his mother so I booked the movers and cleaned out the apartment. He is moving in with his girlfriend the end of July so what does he need our furniture for? What a pleasant surprise for him. I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see the look on his face when he walks into an empty house.

Revenge is sweet. When you cheat on your wife....you come home to an empty house!

You got served!

Jimmy got served divorce papers today at 2 o'clock. Drinks are on me!

10 reasons why it's a good idea to get a divorce

10. You can have all the hot water you want in the mornings.
9. No more smelling nasty farts or burps.
8. Cooking for one is so much easier.
7. I can watch whatever I want on tv and whenever I want.
6. Don't have to listen to snoring all night.
5. I can spend time with my friends without checking in with anyone.
4. Shopping! Enough said!
3. No more washing of dirty underwear and socks - other than your own.
2. Don't have to put with my crazy mother-in-law.
1. I'm able to fall in love again with someone and get that butterfly in the stomach feeling.

Reflections on life

I have realized that I missed a lot by getting married at such a young age. Most of my friends are still in the college, roaring twenties, party hard, and drink until you throw up or pass out. I, on the other hand, am worrying about paying daycare, supporting two boys, and struggling through the emotions of a divorce. Two completely different phases!

I envy the friends that I have and wish I could have done the same. But in the end, I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. The struggles that I have been through, the struggles I’m going through now, and the struggles that I will face in the future all build my character.

An email from "Jimmy"

While on vacation, Jimmy sent me the following email. He should know after almost 7 years together that I know his writing skills. I know for a fact he did not write this. Jimmy can not put on coherent sentence together to save his life. I found out later that his girlfriend, Genny, wrote it. She doesn't know the Jimmy I know and is accepting his lies as the truth. She is going to find out sooner or later that he isn't who he says he is!

ok. I'm done and have had enough. First thing tomorrow I will have my own lawyer. I dont know who you think you are talk to but I am not stupid. NO the thing about having the boys around Genny, IS NOT standard, I have asked a lawyer about it! That is something that has to be added. If you think you what to add it and drag me to court every time you go right ahead, I hope you have some money saved up and a damn good lawyer. You are acting like a spoiled child who didnt get their way. YOU left me! You are mad that I am happy and moving on. I guess you thought I would be alone and waiting for you when you wanted to come back. I asked you to come back and get help and all I heard was how much you hated me and didnt love me and never should have married me. Well now you have what you wanted, your freedom.

About the bills, if you are saying that you are not going to pay the cell phone bill, thats fine. IT WILL BE turned off first thing tomorrow. You went running home to your parents where the only thing you pay is daycare. I dont care to hear about you paying rent and any other bills there. we both know that is a lie. You seem to have money for new clothes, trips out of town, hair, nails, eating out, but no money for daycare. GROW UP! You are a mother with responsibilities. If you dont want deal with acting like an adult, give me the boys and I will take care of them.

While I am on the subject of the boys....I dont care who or what you do, HOWEVER, if you think for a sec that you are moving MY boys out of state you have another thing comming!

I am again TELLING you that you need to have whatever you want out of the apartment NO LATER than JULY 15TH! If not it will all condisered ABANDONED PROPERTY and be thrown away.

Melissa, I am truely sorry we didnt work out. YOU left and we both need to move on. Our divorce needs to be handled and be done with. From this point on, unless it has to do with the boys or when you are comming to get your things or you are signing papers...I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU! Save whatever nasty email you are thinking about sending because I will not be answering you.

Happy 25th Birthday to me!

I'm all alone for my birthday! The kids are with Jimmy this week and I have the house to myself. It's nice to take a long bubble bath without someone knocking at the door yelling "MOMMA".

My co-workers took me out to lunch. Becky made a cake, which is a miracle in itself since she claims she is allergic to the kitchen. The kids called this morning and came by the office at lunch to give me a card and flowers. I guess Jimmy gets some credit.
But I'd be lying if I said I'm not lonely. It sucks to celebrate your birthday by yourself. Thank you to everyone who has left a message or called to wish me a happy birthday. I really appreciate it.

A really bad day!

It’s been a rough day. A day that I want to just sit in a dark room and cry. Cry until I can’t cry anymore. I wish everything would magically all be better. Most days I look at this and think that these struggles will only make me stronger but I feel like these struggles are going to torture me to death. I feel like in the end it wont make a bit of difference. I want to stop caring, I want to stop eating, I want to stop the drama, I want to stop life!

My first date?

Yes, I had a date today. Are you shocked?

A friend of mine set me up on a personals website (which I had no clue about until I started getting emails). I decided to answer one or two emails and I actually really liked one guy in particular. After a week of talking, we decided to meet when the kids were gone for the weekend. This morning I went to church and had an intense feeling that I needed to just call him and ask to meet for lunch. He suggested a kid-friendly place so the kids wouldn't be bored.

I was nervous! I can't describe how nervous I was. We met outside and I knew from the beginning he wasn't "in to" me. CRUSHING! He gave me one of those half-side hugs the one that says "I'm trying to be nice". The rest of the meal I just couldn't talk. I couldn't look at him. My nerves got the best of me and I wasn't myself (the half hug didn't help either).

I don't know if I can do this again. It has been almost 8 years since I had a date! It was alot easier to do it without kids and I certainly looked alot different. How the hell am I supposed to do this again?

Self Affirmation Day

Today is affirmation day. I am going to post 5 things that I like about myself. What about you? Can you find 5 things you like about yourself? Tell me what they are. (seems only fair since I am telling you mine).

1. I like ME. I may not have the best of confidence about myself or I may want to change a few things, but overall I like who I am today.
2. I like my compassion for others. I am the friend that will do anything to make it all better, I’ll be there when needed, or give the shirt off my back.
3. I like my nose. It’s probably the only part of my body that I actually like. I think it’s cute!
4. I like being a smart ass. It catches people off guard.
5. I like being the “quiet” one who observes everyone and everything.

Questions on dating

OK, I know it is too early to be dating but I have a question. Do guys at the age of 30-35 still have the mentality of a 25 year old? Are they still only looking for that trophy wife. Still worried about how fat or thin a woman is? Or are they thinking about a woman's personality and how they will "fit".

I understand that physical attraction plays a big part in the whole dating scene. But are men willing to look past the physical aspect and really look at you as a person?