Thursday, July 31, 2008

It's been one year!

Today marks one year since Chase and I "re-united". I sent a blind email to him just to see what he was up to, not to rekindle a relationship. Never in my life did I think that we would be where we are now; living together and making our blended family work. After one year I still have that butterfly in your stomach feeling when he kisses me. Hopefully, we will have many more years to come.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Missing Him

Tonight I sat in our dark bedroom and listened to the kids play in the other room. Listened to life happening around me. I sat there crying and missing him; missing my Grandaddy.

A couple of days ago I went through Garrett's baby book and came across a letter my Grandaddy wrote to Garrett on the first day he was born. The letter reads as follows:

To our first great-grandson Garrett:

This is such a wonderful time of our life to have a great gradson! We will have lots of great fun times with you and the family. You will have a great time with us also. Your Great Grandmother will cover you with lots of good books, so you will be reading so soon. You will just love it and learn lots of things. Maybe you will get so smart so quick you can read when you are very young.

I started to write this letter to you about 6:30 pm. Then, at 7:30 pm, while I was still writing, Joyce and Me get a phone call from your Grand-Daddy Dean, and guess what he told us!! You were born 7:00 pm. He told us 8 pounds and 9 ounces!! 21-1/2"!!

Joyce and I will come to see soon. Looking forward to a very wonderful visit to our first Great Grandson. Joyce will bring you a gift that she made for you. Maybe I'll bring you something also.

You will learn quick that you have a great Mother and Father, a great Grandmother (Linda), a great Granddaddy (Dean).

We will see you soon. We love you, long before you were born, now we love you even more!

Great Grand Daddy Fred Roger
Great Grand Mother Joyce

(When I was a young man I was a good speller. Not so good anymore.)

The lights are turned off and I'm huddled on the bed with a wad of toilet paper in my hand. The words "You have a great Mother" is running through my mind. I think of all the times we spent together; before and after he got sick. I think of my mom telling me about the last time they saw him and him saying "I wish Melissa and the kids were here". I remember an email my grandmother, Joyce, sent to me saying "I love you. I miss your granddaddy every day. I'm thinking you have his creativity as well as his perseverance." I cry even harder when I wonder if he is proud of me now. If he approves of the decisions I've made since he has been gone.

I miss his hugs, I miss his smell, I miss hearing that he loves me. I'm miss him!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

I'm drowning

Changes in life are bound to happen and sometimes you don't expect them to happen when they do. I feel like I'm drowning in change. Drowning in the choices I've made and the choices that were made for me. When I think that I've handled one change, another one surfaces. When I come up for air and begin to breathe, I'm knocked down below the water and my lungs tighten. It's a never ending battle.

Monday, July 28, 2008

We are finally online!

WOOO HOOOO! Our internet is back up at the house. It is amazing how much I rely on the use of internet. Everything from bills to correspondence with friends. Oh how I missed it!

The last I've posted was about giving and earning respect at my job. Since then I have been let go for "lack of respect". It had nothing to do with my work ethic or how I performed my job duties. Everyone says it is a blessing in disguise but I'm not to sure.

So, I'll be writing more frequently. Thank goodness because I've been lost without being able to write. Sure I could do it with a pen and piece of paper but something just isn't the same. The words don't flow as they normally would. I can't get past my handwriting or the scribbles when I make a mistake.