Monday, April 30, 2007

A really bad day!

It’s been a rough day. A day that I want to just sit in a dark room and cry. Cry until I can’t cry anymore. I wish everything would magically all be better. Most days I look at this and think that these struggles will only make me stronger but I feel like these struggles are going to torture me to death. I feel like in the end it wont make a bit of difference. I want to stop caring, I want to stop eating, I want to stop the drama, I want to stop life!

Sunday, April 29, 2007

My first date?

Yes, I had a date today. Are you shocked?

A friend of mine set me up on a personals website (which I had no clue about until I started getting emails). I decided to answer one or two emails and I actually really liked one guy in particular. After a week of talking, we decided to meet when the kids were gone for the weekend. This morning I went to church and had an intense feeling that I needed to just call him and ask to meet for lunch. He suggested a kid-friendly place so the kids wouldn't be bored.

I was nervous! I can't describe how nervous I was. We met outside and I knew from the beginning he wasn't "in to" me. CRUSHING! He gave me one of those half-side hugs the one that says "I'm trying to be nice". The rest of the meal I just couldn't talk. I couldn't look at him. My nerves got the best of me and I wasn't myself (the half hug didn't help either).

I don't know if I can do this again. It has been almost 8 years since I had a date! It was alot easier to do it without kids and I certainly looked alot different. How the hell am I supposed to do this again?

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Self Affirmation Day

Today is affirmation day. I am going to post 5 things that I like about myself. What about you? Can you find 5 things you like about yourself? Tell me what they are. (seems only fair since I am telling you mine).

1. I like ME. I may not have the best of confidence about myself or I may want to change a few things, but overall I like who I am today.
2. I like my compassion for others. I am the friend that will do anything to make it all better, I’ll be there when needed, or give the shirt off my back.
3. I like my nose. It’s probably the only part of my body that I actually like. I think it’s cute!
4. I like being a smart ass. It catches people off guard.
5. I like being the “quiet” one who observes everyone and everything.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Questions on dating

OK, I know it is too early to be dating but I have a question. Do guys at the age of 30-35 still have the mentality of a 25 year old? Are they still only looking for that trophy wife. Still worried about how fat or thin a woman is? Or are they thinking about a woman's personality and how they will "fit".

I understand that physical attraction plays a big part in the whole dating scene. But are men willing to look past the physical aspect and really look at you as a person?

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

On good terms - at least for right now.

Jimmy and I actually talked about the dreaded word “divorce”. Luckily we are agreeing on everything right now even though he is worried about the amount he will have to pay in child support. He does not understand that he makes 3 times as much as I do and I can not support the boys by myself. I’m not going to back down. Yes, it’s great that I have parent’s that are willing to let us stay at there house while I get the divorce finalized, but the kids need their own place to call home. I need a place to call my own. For some reason, Jimmy doesn’t understand that.

I’ve agreed to go out to a bar this weekend. Supposedly, it isn’t one of those meat-market bars but rather a low key place to hang out. At first I declined but I changed my mind after I realized that I need to start making friends of my own. Of course, I’m in no way looking for someone to marry or another man to whisk me off my feet but I am ready to make/meet new friends.

Is it wrong to feel this good about a divorce????

Contacting a divorce lawyer

Today I contacted a divorce lawyer for some information. She was referred to by my Mom's co-worker who recently went through a divorce herself. Can this really be happening? All of this seems surreal.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Explaining divorce to the kids

I've gotten several questions on why we can't go "home" from the boys. Every morning Garrett will say, "We going home now?" It breaks my heart! My sister-in-law, Stacy, suggested a book that would explain some of things that are going on. Yesterday afternoon I stopped by the bookstore and picked up Dinosaurs Divorce. I'm actually surprised at how straight foward the book is. You think that your children are too young to be told what is really going on, but they need to know!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Definition of cheating?

How do you define cheating?

1. Spouse "pleasuring" themselves without your knowledge.
2. Spouse going to a strip club.
3. Spouse looking for another person to have relations with, but not actually physically doing anything. You could call this an emotional affair.
4. The actual act (kissing, foreplay, etc.)

I'd like to know your opinion on it.

Friday, April 6, 2007

And the sadness sets in

It has been 3 days since I found out about my husband's secret messages on the internet and this is the first day that I'm actaully sad. It is the first day that I cried. You would think that I would be upset about losing a man that I married almost 6 years ago, but I'm sad that I don't want to work things out. That I would rather walk away from him instead of staying and repairing our marriage. I'm sad that I regret marrying him at 18 years old. I'm sad that I wish the kids weren't part of the picture because things would be so easy. And most important I'm sad that I'm taking our family away from my boys.

Thursday, April 5, 2007


Jimmy and I separated today. I'm not sure what is going to happen in the long run. I'm trying to take things one day at a time.

Confronting a cheater

I was in the kitchen and said that I printed some stuff at work that he needed to look at. I handed him the messages and he looked at them for about 10 minutes; no changes in his face. Finally I said SOOOO? This is the good part….

J: They’re messages, so what.
Me: Just messages?
J: You told me to make an account so I could find people I used to go to school with but I couldn’t find anyone.
Me: So, because you couldn’t find anyone you knew you starting finding other girls.
J: We were just talking.
Me: So, it’s ok that you say to another woman that “you can’t wait to see her in the bathing suit”?
J: It was only one time.
Me: One time? It dates all the way from December to now.
J: Well I meant one time period.
Me: Why did you do it? What were you looking for?
J: I’m just stupid, I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m stupid.
Me: Just to let you know, the kids and I will not be home tomorrow.
J: No response.

As soon as I started packing the bags, he sat on the bed and cried for 2 hours. I slept in the living room.

This morning he texted me on the way to work and said:
J: I’m sorry
Me: No response
J: Do you want me to come over Sat. I promise I did it that one time and never again. I thought I wanted something else then I realized I had all I needed. That’s why I stopped talking and never sent them emails.
Me: I don’t think it’s a good idea about you coming Sat.
J: When are you coming home?
Me: Don’t know
J: Can we talk sometime
Me: maybe
J: When you are ready, just me and you. I know you don’t believe me but I never met or talked on the phone with anyone. I am here when you are ready to talk.
Me: Whatever you have to say isn’t going to make a difference.
J: So are you saying there is no hope or chance to work it out.
Me: I don’t know
J: I don’t want to lose you and the kids. I will do anything.
Me: You should have thought about that when you started looking for someone and something else.