Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Adequate single parent?

It's the holidays and my co-workers usually exchange gifts every year to celebrate. My boss gave me a Christmas goodie basket and I said with complete honesty that he didn't have to do that. His response was "I feel sorry for you and kids this Christmas with everything going on." Now that I think about it, his comment makes me feel like people will start believing that I'm not an adequate parent. I logically know that he did not mean anything of the sort, but it still makes me wonder if people truly measure your ability to parent depending on having a spouse or partner.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Today was D-Day

It's official! I'm a divorced, single mom. It's alittle intimidating to stand in front of a judge to declare that you no longer love a man that you vowed to stick with for better or worse. To think 7 years ago I promised to remain married to this man until the day one of us died, and now I'm breaking that promise. If you really think about it I was already dead inside.

Everyone keeps asking what I'm feeling. I don't know how to explain it. I'm feeling excited, sad, happy, reflective, scared, etc. I have my kids, my family, and, believe it or not, I have a man in my life that I'm completely in love with. Things would be different if I were alone or if I came home to an empty house. If I didn't have anybody in my life then I'm sure it would have been a depressing day. But that isn't the case.

Despite all the emotions, I feel like this is the right decision.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

A mother's love never dies

Chase and I went to eat Chinese food tonight for our romantic dinner. We sat alone in the smoking section for 10 minutes and soon a couple was seated next to us. The woman was a very talkative older lady. Very vibrant and reminded me of my grandmother. In between plates she looks at me and says, "You look exactly like my daughter. You are so beautiful. Everything about you reminds me of her." Then she says, "My daughter died in a car accident." I immediately said, "I'm sorry to hear that." Throughout the rest of our meals I could feel her watching me.

Strangely enough we finished our meals at about the same time. They got up to leave and she asked if she could give me a hug. I got up and gave her a hug you would give to someone in your family. Very close and personal (not the sideways hug that you would give to a stranger). She whispers in my ear, "I love you honey. Merry Christmas." It took everything I had in me not to cry on her shoulder. You could hear the hurt in her voice. The pain of losing a child. I felt so sad for this woman who shared such an intimate connection with me.

This stranger made me appreciate my two healthy boys even more. To cherish the moments we have together because at anytime it could be taken away.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Divorce count down - 4 days

Jimmy was given the final decree to look over about 2 weeks ago. I KNEW he would have issues with the back child support. The months that he REFUSED to help in any way. It totaled out to be alittle less than $2500. My lawyer called me yesterday and said that he doesn’t agree with the back support. He will agree to pay $1200 in one lump sum though. To get everything over with, I agreed to that.

With Jimmy it will always be a fight. What’s sad is this is just the beginning. I’m going to have to fight for everything those kids deserve for the next 14-15 years. And honestly I don’t have the strength to do it. At least not right now. Which in turn does that make me a bad mom for NOT fighting for what those kids deserve?

I realized awhile ago that he will always be the dead beat dad and will never take care of his kids. He will never be the father/husband/person that I hoped he would be. His actions proved his character when I left, and that’s what makes me not want to go back to him ever again. He proved what kind of person he truly is and I don’t ever want to be around him.

I feel like a fool for crying.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Christmas Pictures

Today we took our family Christmas pictures and for the first time in 4 years we had several good ones to choose from. The kids were amazing and the photographer did an excellent job keeping them entertained.

It's bittersweet taking our first picture of a family of 3.

I look at this picture and see the smiles on the faces of my children. It makes me realize that I can be a good Mom, even if I don't have the support from a husband.