Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Update on Bad Dreams - Question & Answer

There have been multiple questions sent to me through email about my latest blog. I’ve decided to post some of the questions asked personally and answer them.

Question: Did you tell your parents what happened?
Answer: No. They never found out and I never mentioned it to either of them.

Question: Why didn’t you tell your parents?
Answer: This is a hard question to answer. I didn’t tell them because I felt that they would have blamed me for putting myself in that situation. I still feel that way. Somehow, someway, it would be my fault.

Question: Did you tell anyone at all? Friends, Family, Therapist, Your ex-husband, Chase, etc.?
Answer: No. When I was married to Jimmy there would be times that I would wake up screaming. I still never told him what happened and just brushed it aside as nothing important. But now my grandmother knows and I’m sure Chase will find out once he reads this.

Question: Did you see or talk to him after that day?
Answer: I did not speak to him, but I did see him almost daily until he moved. I saw him once at the mall years later. As soon as I saw him, I ducked into a store pretending to look at a clothes rack. I cried like a baby while the sales lady stared at me.

Question: Do you have intimate issues because of this?
Answer: Of coarse. I won’t go into detail for your sake and mine.

Question: Why did you write this on a public blog for anyone to read?
Answer: Why not? Writing is a form of therapy for me; it’s not for anyone else. I shouldn’t be ashamed of what happened….it’s been long enough.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Spead your wings

My Mom and I are very close; I will proudly admit that she is my best friend. When I left Jimmy she opened her house to us for however long we needed to be there. No time limits were set and if it was up to her then we would live there until the boys graduated college. It is with mixed emotion that I am choosing to leave and move in with Chase. She has been my support system, my confidant, my friend, my shoulder to cry on and I’m going to miss that. Sure, she will still be there when I need her (like any mom would) but it’s going to be different.

So, when I got this email from her this afternoon I cried.

Mom: Are you going to Chase’s tonight?? Or I guess I should say “home”
Me: Yes, I’m going to Chase’s tonight. Awwwww, that makes me sad that you say “home” like that.
Mom: Me too but we can’t keep calling it Chase’s forever. And once again I have to let you leave the nest spread your wings and fly.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Bad Dreams

I have very vivid dreams at night; good dreams and bad. They don’t always involve myself, friends, or family but instead are of complete strangers or blurred faces. My dream last night was one that I’ve had many times and every single time I wake up in a panic.

A 13-year-old girl huddles in a group of guys during a serious game of football. She is considered “one of the guys” and is covered in grass stains and dirt. No touch football for that girl. She is determined to prove that she can take a full blown tackle even if her chest feels like it will explode when someone pounds into her head first. This isn’t her first game she's played, but she feels she has to prove that a girl can play football just as well as a guy.

Pure concentration is seen on everyone’s face as strategies are whispered. The game is tied and this was the last chance to win the entire game. The huddle is split and she takes her position at the end of the line. The ball is hiked and she runs full force to the end zone while the other team pulls on her shirt. The other team thinks the only way to stop her is by ripping her shirt so she will be embarrassed and give up. She continues to run as the ball is thrown, and to everyone’s amazement she catches it. The guys on her team all congratulate her by smacking her butt. She feels accepted again.

The game is over and she is invited by one of the older boys to celebrate the recent victory. It’s still early and her parents won’t be home for a couple of hours, what harm could it be? It started innocent enough with them sitting on the couch, but it turned horrible within seconds. He was on top of her in an instant breathing heavily in her neck. "You know you want me. You know you want it." She kept telling him to get off and no matter how hard she pushed he was too strong. The more she struggled and yelled the worse it became. He unbuttoned her pants and she began to cry. Finally, she gave up; she was tired of fighting.

She closed her eyes while he began to rape her. He enjoyed watching her in pain, he enjoyed watching her give up, he enjoyed the power he had over her. Inside she was mortified, scared, screaming at him to stop. After he finished with her he threw her off the couch and told her to get the fuck out.

This is where I wake up in a panic; crying and shaking at the realization that it is not just a dream. It is my living nightmare that nobody knows about. I've hidden this secert for 12 years and I feel as though I re-live that experience far to often in my dreams.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Welcome to Dallas

Chase and I had a kid-free weekend and went to Dallas to visit some friends. It was extremely nice to get away and spend time with Jake and Erin. We got home Sunday night drained and exhausted. Here are some pictures from Saturday.
Me, sitting on the potty. For real! LOL

Jake and Chase laughing, this was a common occurance!

I felt like this elephant was looking straight at me asking for help.

Erin and Jake

Thursday, May 15, 2008

A blast from the past

Here I am probably 20 years ago enjoying the best part of a cake batter bowl. YUM!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Finger licking good

What's the best part of making a cake? LICKING THE BOWL!! I love the kid's faces in these pictures.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Happy Mother's Day

Today I received the best Mother’s Day gift. It wasn’t anything that could be purchased or made; it could only come from the heart. Isn’t that the gift all Mommy’s want the most?

Background information: About 6 months ago Jacob started saying “I like you” instead of “I love you”. I’m still not quite sure why he says like instead of love. He says this phrase quite often which is usually followed by a hug, a kiss, or a quick snuggle in your lap.

Sunday afternoon Chase and I were sitting on the couch watching tv while the 3 boys ran around the house. Jacob decided to sit on Chase’s lap and snuggle up to him. Out of the blue he says to Chase, “I like you”. Chase responded with, “I like you too buddy.” It took every ounce in me not to cry at that moment to see the two of them snuggled up and professing their “like” for each other.

Why do I consider this the best Mother’s Day gift? Because it confirms that I’m making the right decision moving in with Chase. It confirms that Garrett and Jacob are capable of opening themselves up to another man other than Jimmy (not that Chase is there to replace him). It’s not only about Chase and me; it is also about our children.

To all my Mommy friends I hope you had a great Mother’s Day!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Birthday Jacob

My little Jacob turned 4 today. This year has certainly been a blur and I'm really curious where the time has gone. It seems like just yesterday he turned 3 and only months ago that I was pregnant with him. I look at this guy and tears swell with love and pride. All the behavioral issues we are facing melt away for this moment. My son is growing before my eyes and I am just along for the ride. Happy birthday Jacob!

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Painting the living room

We finally finished painting the living room which is a huge task. It consists of high ceilings, attached to a hallway (which we also painted), and it's just a big room in general. 2 gallons of paint later we are done and loving the new color. Pictures, as always, are posted below. One more room to paint and we are done with the inside of the house. Bring on the master bedroom!

The before picture. Honestly, this picture gives no justice to the peach color the ex wife had picked out.
The bar area before.
The after (with kitchen shown). We put that trim to seperate the colors of the kitchen and living room. I love how that turned out.