Thoughts of Marriage?

I never would have imagined saying the following sentence so soon but here you go. I miss being married. Don't get me wrong, I do NOT miss being married to Jimmy but I miss it in general. Actually, I miss being a wife. I miss coming home and getting a kiss, cooking a favorite meal, smelling a freshly showered man, even the farting and burping that goes along with it. I miss doing things as a couple/family, waking up early in the morning and doing the nasty, and actually thinking of someone else before myself. I will always be a mother....but being a wife is a totally different feeling.

I hope that I will be able to experience that again. Who knows. Ok, I'm done being mushy.

The reality

So, today I got the very first child support check from Jimmy and it's with mixed emotions. I look at it and feel it's justice that he finally has to own up to his responsibility. I think of how the kids will benefit from his money. But for some reason the reality that our marriage is over is finally hitting home. Before now, it's just been "oh I'm getting a divorce, no big deal" but to see this piece of paper in my hand is weird. I'm happy and sad at the same time. Sad that I have to put the kids through this but happy that this is a new beginning or a new chapter of my life.

I'm back from my lunch date!

Lunch was fabulous! Ok, my nerves got the best of me and I was a babbling idiot, but other than that it went well. I got there first, no surprise since I'm usually way early for everything, and waited for him. He walked up to me and gave me the biggest hug. Wait.....are those angels singing? I seriously did not want to let go. Chase looked AMAZING! I couldn't stop smiling at him and the butterflies were fluttering so hard that I thought they would start bursting out of my stomach.

Honestly, I have a feeling that he is just looking for a friend. Nothing romantic. And I'm ok with that. In the beginning of my search I wanted to find him to rekindle our friendship, so if nothing else comes from this then I'm ok with it. Ok fine I'll stop kidding myself. A little part of me wants something more. :)

I got back to the office and had an email waiting on my return. I can't stop smiling!

C: I am glad that we got together for lunch I enjoyed it. Now maybe this weekend you wont be so nervous.
Me: Thank you for coming and no problem about lunch! I had fun even though it didn’t seem like it. By the end, I wasn’t as nervous. And I promise I’ll try not to be nervous this weekend. Sorry, you just have that way with me. D@mn you! You looked good.
C: Why thanks, I was really enjoying your company, I almost did something but right at the last moment I decided that it might be best to wait a little while. Or atleast the next time we see each other.
Me: Like what?
C: Like you don’t know what I was walking you to the door of your truck for. You know what was on my mind.
Me: I’m innocent. Don’t you remember that? I have no idea what you’re talking about. I thought you were walking me to my car to be nice. :) Well, you should have.
C: LOL, well I did want to and thought about doing it if it makes you feel better.
Me: And honestly, I didn’t know if you were into me in that way. Or if you just want to be friends.
C: I surprised that you didn’t think that I would be into you like that, hell I couldn’t stop smiling

Meeting Chase for lunch

So, in just one hour I'll be seeing Chase for the first time in almost 8 years. I'm a nervous wreck! I send out a S.O.S. to my friends for a confidence boost:

"Tell me nice things…like Chase would be a loser if he didn’t fall in love with me the moment he sees me. And I’m so beautiful. LOL! Yeah right! I’m so nervous I want to puke over everything on my desk. I’m leaving at 11 to meet him!"

In moments my mailbox fills. Cyndi's responds first:

"You ARE beautiful!!! And smart and sweet and funny, and he would be a fool to do anything less than fall head over heels for you! But wait, I’m sorry, he can’t do that at lunch… HE ALREADY HAS! :) It’s obvious from his emails that he is already still gaga over you. So, be confident – know that he already wants you - and go knock his socks off even more. Go get him Tiger!!! :) And let me know immediately when you get back!! Good luck!!!"

Ok, I'm feeling better. Next is Stacy:

"You ARE beautiful! And you have an amazing personality, and you're funny, and smart! You obviously have a special something that's getting all these guys hooked on you from the 1st moment they're with you! Chase would be nuts if he didn't fall in love with you all over again as soon as he sees you today!!! I would advise NOT puking....that might not work for you ;o) Let me know how it goes!!!"

Without friends like this I think life would be miserable. I'm still nervous but I'm feeling much better about this lunch "date".