I have very vivid dreams at night; good dreams and bad. They don’t always involve myself, friends, or family but instead are of complete strangers or blurred faces. My dream last night was one that I’ve had many times and every single time I wake up in a panic.
A 13-year-old girl huddles in a group of guys during a serious game of football. She is considered “one of the guys” and is covered in grass stains and dirt. No touch football for that girl. She is determined to prove that she can take a full blown tackle even if her chest feels like it will explode when someone pounds into her head first. This isn’t her first game she's played, but she feels she has to prove that a girl can play football just as well as a guy.
Pure concentration is seen on everyone’s face as strategies are whispered. The game is tied and this was the last chance to win the entire game. The huddle is split and she takes her position at the end of the line. The ball is hiked and she runs full force to the end zone while the other team pulls on her shirt. The other team thinks the only way to stop her is by ripping her shirt so she will be embarrassed and give up. She continues to run as the ball is thrown, and to everyone’s amazement she catches it. The guys on her team all congratulate her by smacking her butt. She feels accepted again.
The game is over and she is invited by one of the older boys to celebrate the recent victory. It’s still early and her parents won’t be home for a couple of hours, what harm could it be? It started innocent enough with them sitting on the couch, but it turned horrible within seconds. He was on top of her in an instant breathing heavily in her neck. "You know you want me. You know you want it." She kept telling him to get off and no matter how hard she pushed he was too strong. The more she struggled and yelled the worse it became. He unbuttoned her pants and she began to cry. Finally, she gave up; she was tired of fighting.
She closed her eyes while he began to rape her. He enjoyed watching her in pain, he enjoyed watching her give up, he enjoyed the power he had over her. Inside she was mortified, scared, screaming at him to stop. After he finished with her he threw her off the couch and told her to get the fuck out.
This is where I wake up in a panic; crying and shaking at the realization that it is not just a dream. It is my living nightmare that nobody knows about. I've hidden this secert for 12 years and I feel as though I re-live that experience far to often in my dreams.
2 comments:
This is very serious and sad--and I, too have been accused at times at being too open about certain subjects within my blog. Although I do agree that writing is therapy--I do believe that this incident does need to be something you do express to friends and family in your real life, as well. I applaud you for coming out with it. There is no shame in anything YOU did. I know it might make others uncomnfortable in reading it--but if we are to stop rapists--they need to know that their victims won't run away in shame.
This is a very sad/unfortunate circumstance for you. I hope some day you will be able to talk with someone close about this. Its obvious that it is haunting you and that's why you are having bad dreams still. I'm sorry this happened to you.
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