Why can't he be Grandaddy?

My fondest memories growing up consisted of spending time with my grandparents. Going out to dinner, followed by the bookstore, and ending with going to the yogurt shop. Or sitting under the table while my parents and grandparents played dominoes or cards.

Today I set up the arrangements for Jacob's 4th birthday. Because it's only 3 weeks away I sent out "advance invites" to friends and family giving the appropriate information. Later at lunch Mom tells me that my dad has decided not to come to the party. His excuse? "Because it's not his thing". The real reason? He can't drink his beer.

It's makes me extremely mad and sad that he doesn't want to be apart of his grandchildren's lives. My kids would love for him to pay them an ounce of attention, but instead he pushes them away. I've dreamed of my dad being like my Grandaddy; of my kids having the same relationship with my parents as I did with my grandparents.

I realized today that I can not change my dad. My kids can't change their grandfather. My mom can't change her husband. Nobody can change his behavior but HIM. I gave up today on my dreams of my dad being like Grandaddy.

Just call me Ms. Clumsy

I can't walk and chew gum at the same time. I was the kid that fell off the risers during a choir performance and sprained her ankle. Many of times I've slipped in the bathtub. I still can't walk down a set of stairs without having the fear of tumbling down them. So many more instances to prove my clumsiness, but today I believe I've outdone myself.

I stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around myself, and walked to get my unmentionables from the dresser. As my hand goes on the handle and begin to pull, I feel a sharp pain my foot. I look down and see my hair dryer. I had stepped on the electrical plug and the metal had gone into my foot. The true pain didn't set in until I sat down on the bed and examined my foot. Chase was my strong provider and doctored my bleeding foot while I cried like a baby.

10 hours later my foot is so swollen that I can't even wiggle my toes. I've had my tetanus shot so I'm not worried about my foot turning green and falling off. It is currently propped on a pillow, ice around it, and I'm doped up on Tylenol (as doped as you can get on that stuff). Hopefully, tomorrow I will be able to walk without limping.

I will update if I decide that my foot will be better chopped off instead of attached to my ankle.

Love,
Ms. Clumsy

Just one year ago

This month marks one year since I packed up the boys and myself and walked away from my marriage to Jimmy. April 5 was the actual day I decided to leave and it was probably the hardest decision I’ve had to make. On that day I literally thought that life was over (yes, I know that sounds extreme) even though I had to appear strong for my kids and the people around me. Heartache, sadness, shock, anger, all balled into one emotion.

I am amazed and grateful that life can do a 180 in just a matter of months. I no longer feel life is over, but instead I feel it is just starting. A new chapter has opened in my book of life. I am the happiest I’ve been in an extremely long time and I have a divorce to thank for that. My divorce is a cause of happiness? WOW!

No more paint!

Oh the joys of painting. We tackled the kitchen over this weekend and it turned out to be alot of work. The chosen color? YELLOW! We started Saturday morning with a "dull" yellow. It took the majority of the day with 3 coats of paint and was extremely exhausting.

We were enjoying dinner and the color had changed from a dull yellow to a yellow highlighter. Chase looked at me and said, "Do you like this color?" Let's be honest, it was awful. At 9 o'clock at night we headed up to Walmart to pick out more paint.

Sunday we repainted and got rid of the yellow highlighter. See pictures below.

Before

First coat

New color compared to old
Finished

Kitchen is finished. Look at the difference!

Just stuff them in the trunk!

I found out that the kids can comfortably fit inside the truck of my car. This means when they are fighting over that one little hot wheel, I can throw them in the trunk. They think it's funny now. Just wait boys...just wait!

Good Morning America

Chase thought it would be funny to take pictures after a rough night. For the record, I don't find it that funny! I also hate that he still looks pretty good and I look like a truck has run over me several times.

If looks could kill

I love waking up next to this guy!

Paint

Paint, paint, and more paint! We will be painting for the next couple of weekends to finish the entire house, but I can't wait to see the transformation. The boys room is now done and I love the color. Here are some before and after pictures. By the way, I decided against the polka dots. I think it looks great the way it is.

Before - Dull grey

The paint is done - aruba blue

The bunk beds are up!

I love that the bed spreads match the wall.

Painting, Gardening, and Mini-golf playing?

This weekend is going to be extremely busy and surprisingly I'm looking forward to it. Chase and I are planning on painting the boys room (currently it's a spare bedroom that is painted a dull grey - imagine the color of a jail cell). We will hopefully get their bedroom furniture put together. Do you think polka dots is too girly? Yes, you heard me right....polka dots for a boys room.

The paint issues for the rest of the house have been solved; we have both agreed to colors we like. The clouds have parted and I can hear the angels singing! Yellow for the kitchen/dining area and tan for the living room. Anything is better than pink and peach that is on the walls currently; which is what the ex wife had picked out!

I'm dying to get my hands on the pile of dirt you would call a garden and plant some flowers or bushes. Lets be honest though, I have no clue what I'm doing. I've looked online for some advice (because you get the best advice through the net...haha) but it is just mumbled garbage and makes you want to shoot your brains out.

In between all the painting, gardening, and putting furniture together we promised to have some fun with the kiddos. Maybe some 3-d mini-golf and balladium at Shankz. Or the park where they can run around until their little legs fall off. Decisions decisions! I'm asking all my friends to please donate some booze for my sanity!

Hello! I'm trying to take a crap in peace!

Please enlighten me on why people talk on the phone while in the bathroom. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is that important to take a call while answering nature's call. All I want to do is take care of business, but instead I'm conscience of being too loud while going #1 in fear the person on the other end of the line can hear me actually make my deposits in the porcelain god. Not to mention the shear embarrassment on how much noise the thing makes when I flush. Why is that my problem?

How about you go outside and tell Jo Blow how sloshed you got last night or how your precious daughter puked all over you and the dog started licking it up? I want to go to the bathroom in peace without worrying about your conversation with Ima Hogg.

Maybe next time I'll muster up the biggest fart I can and see what happens. Do you think I can clear a room? I have no doubt! From now on I shall call myself "girl who clears bathroom".

Wordless Wednesday

My friend Cyndi and her daughter Haley.

The movement and the expressions on their faces draw me in.

Thoughts of becoming a surrogate mother

My good friend Holly has suffered her 3rd miscarriage and finding out the news leaves me HEARTBROKEN! She has tried so hard to have children and every time it has ended miserably. Her bubbly personality is shut down by the pain she is suffering.

I had the chance to talk with her Mom yesterday while picking up the kiddos, and she mentioned the possibility of Holly going through a surrogate mother (her egg and her husband's sperm). I've actually thought about this for several years, not for Holly personally, but just in general. Today I am doing some research; the risks, the benefits, the emotional side effects, medicines needed to be taken, IVF, etc.

The more I read, the more I realize that I'm not entirely 100% ready to make this commitment. Chase and I have talked about having a child together. Don't freak out people I won't be getting pregnant tomorrow. Anyway, I don't want to go through a pregnancy (even if logically I know it is not MY baby) and then turn around to hand it off. I need to deal with the my issues of pregnancy before making a decision.

I guess you could look at my "revelation" as growing up in some aspect. In past years, I would have jumped in without any regard to MY feelings simply for the gratification of someone else. Now, I realize that this also effects me. Maybe one day I will be 100% positive that it is the right decision (if not for Holly but someone else). Maybe a miracle will happen and she will be able to carry a child full-term with the help of a fertility doctor. I praying that happens.

Discrimination

Saturday night Chase and I went out to a local bar so we could celebrate his 29th birthday. It's a nice little bar that usually has a live band playing rock music. It is usually filled with a mix of people, young and old. There was a particular group sitting at a table in front of us; 4-5 couples who were all young, pretty, preppy, and skinny.

Chase had gone to the bathroom, and one of the girls came over to talk to me. She was asking where I had gotten my save the ta-tas t-shirt. She seemed friendly and was easy to talk with. Her husband walked over and grabbed her arm. Then he looks at me and says, "You don't need to be talking to or be seen with this fat bitch." She looked mortified and they both walked to their table.

I wanted to crawl under the table. It took every ounce in me not to cry. Chase got back and I went to the bathroom. I sat on the bench in shock, I had to get away from everyone. I finally composed myself and went back out to find Chase. Go figure that the same guy is walking in my direction. Instead of being nice and moving over in the pathway, he runs straight into my shoulder with his.

Chase and I left shortly after this and once in the car I told him what had happened. He was extremely mad, stopped in the middle of the road, and was tempted to turn the car around. I told him there was no point and to just take me home. Once we got home he told me how beautiful I was and how he would take me over those "skany girls" anyday. He knew I was hurt.

It's Sunday night and I still don't understand why that guy would say that. Why did I let him say that to me? Why did I (and still am) let his hateful words get to me? I'm tired of being the fat girl that people get to run over. I'm tired of being the fat girl, but in all honesty I don't see myself changing. So, shouldn't I just embrace my fat self and not get offended when someone discriminates against me?

S T R E S S E D

I’m stressed. Wait, is there a better word that means more than stressed? Frazzled, anxious, tense, emotional, exhausted. I’m feel all this and so much more right now. This entire week has been horrible, and I’m starting to feel the effects.

Last night my dear little Jacob was screaming (playing) in his bed after 11 o’clock. I had already gone into the kid’s room 3 times telling them both to be quiet. When I heard him scream and then giggle, I had had enough. I stormed in there, told him to come into my room, and get into my bed for the night. 30 minutes….count them….30 minutes of non-stop, high pitched crying and screaming because he wanted to go back into his bed. Finally I let him go because I couldn’t stand it anymore.

In turn, I lay in my bed and cried because I felt so inadequate. I’m a bad mother. I don’t follow through with what I say or the punishments I give. My kids are spoiled rotten and have no discipline. These are all comments I’ve heard in the last month from several different people. I’m tired of sticking up for myself.

Even though I’m exhausted, sleep never comes. Honestly, sleep is a luxury that I hardly indulge in anymore. I toss and turn for the majority of the night. 12 am….2 am….3 am…..I finally pass out. Waking up at 5:30 in a zombie like state. The lack of sleep leaves me weepy and edgy.

There are 50 million piles of laundry that are staring me in the face. I can’t walk anywhere in our “living quarters” without stepping on a toy and almost breaking my neck. Tornados Garrett & Jacob have stormed around and left evidence of destruction in their path. The everyday chores have been put on the back burner for too long. I should be doing this when I can’t sleep instead of staring at an empty ceiling.

This is my world, my life, now as I know it; a stressed, emotional, exhausted inadequate mother.

A couple lines of BS

Today I took a leap of faith and sent in my resume to another company. I received the standard "Thanks for your application. If we are interested then someone will contact you." email shortly after I hit the submit button. To my surprise, I heard back from someone 30 minutes later asking if I would fill out some questions. This may be standard, but it lifted my spirits.

So began the task of writing positive things about myself; the worst thing someone could ask for. I truly believe I answered all of my questions honestly. As I re-read them now, I feel like this prospective company will read my answers as just a couple of lines of BS.

Q: Reasons for leaving current & past employers:
A: Unfortunately, there is not enough daily work to keep me busy at my current place of employment.

Q: Of all the things you’ve accomplished in your working career, what stands out as most significant?
A: I've developed electronic applications (mostly in Excel and Access) and how-to manuals that are still used today. Even though I'm no longer in that department, it's nice to know that they are still helpful to other employees.

Q: Specifically, how have you contributed to the bottom line at your current/last employer?
A: I may not be in sales or talking directly to customers, but my role is important. I'm in the background, making transactions run smoothly, documents look professional, and providing information to our department. Everyone works together as a team in making a company successful.

Q: What skills do you have that you think would help you succeed in this position?
A: I'm a fast paced, multi-tasker, who enjoys some challenges in her career. I believe I'm a talented individual who is able to think outside of the box in order to come up with new ideas to improve work flow.

Q: Describe your communication style.
A: I'm friendly, straight forward, and sincere. I have an open communication policy pertaining to work. If I don't know the answer, I'll ask.

Wordless Wednesday

My friend's daughter, Haley, as a flower girl

Surprised? Not in the least.

Today I found out that I wasn't selected for the job I interviewed for 2 weeks ago. Why am I not surprised? Maybe in the deep pit of my stomach I knew I blew it. I knew it the moment I walked in without an ounce of confidence in my body.

Now, it's time to make a decision whether to stay where I'm at (in a painstakingly boring position with no advancement) or find something else at another company. I'm tired of interviewing for positions here at this company. It seems as though they move people up to better positions who have a degree in butt-kissing rather than people who are more qualified for the job.