It's been one year!

Today marks one year since Chase and I "re-united". I sent a blind email to him just to see what he was up to, not to rekindle a relationship. Never in my life did I think that we would be where we are now; living together and making our blended family work. After one year I still have that butterfly in your stomach feeling when he kisses me. Hopefully, we will have many more years to come.

Missing Him

Tonight I sat in our dark bedroom and listened to the kids play in the other room. Listened to life happening around me. I sat there crying and missing him; missing my Grandaddy.

A couple of days ago I went through Garrett's baby book and came across a letter my Grandaddy wrote to Garrett on the first day he was born. The letter reads as follows:

To our first great-grandson Garrett:

This is such a wonderful time of our life to have a great gradson! We will have lots of great fun times with you and the family. You will have a great time with us also. Your Great Grandmother will cover you with lots of good books, so you will be reading so soon. You will just love it and learn lots of things. Maybe you will get so smart so quick you can read when you are very young.

I started to write this letter to you about 6:30 pm. Then, at 7:30 pm, while I was still writing, Joyce and Me get a phone call from your Grand-Daddy Dean, and guess what he told us!! You were born 7:00 pm. He told us 8 pounds and 9 ounces!! 21-1/2"!!

Joyce and I will come to see soon. Looking forward to a very wonderful visit to our first Great Grandson. Joyce will bring you a gift that she made for you. Maybe I'll bring you something also.

You will learn quick that you have a great Mother and Father, a great Grandmother (Linda), a great Granddaddy (Dean).

We will see you soon. We love you, long before you were born, now we love you even more!

Great Grand Daddy Fred Roger
Great Grand Mother Joyce

(When I was a young man I was a good speller. Not so good anymore.)

The lights are turned off and I'm huddled on the bed with a wad of toilet paper in my hand. The words "You have a great Mother" is running through my mind. I think of all the times we spent together; before and after he got sick. I think of my mom telling me about the last time they saw him and him saying "I wish Melissa and the kids were here". I remember an email my grandmother, Joyce, sent to me saying "I love you. I miss your granddaddy every day. I'm thinking you have his creativity as well as his perseverance." I cry even harder when I wonder if he is proud of me now. If he approves of the decisions I've made since he has been gone.

I miss his hugs, I miss his smell, I miss hearing that he loves me. I'm miss him!

I'm drowning

Changes in life are bound to happen and sometimes you don't expect them to happen when they do. I feel like I'm drowning in change. Drowning in the choices I've made and the choices that were made for me. When I think that I've handled one change, another one surfaces. When I come up for air and begin to breathe, I'm knocked down below the water and my lungs tighten. It's a never ending battle.

We are finally online!

WOOO HOOOO! Our internet is back up at the house. It is amazing how much I rely on the use of internet. Everything from bills to correspondence with friends. Oh how I missed it!

The last I've posted was about giving and earning respect at my job. Since then I have been let go for "lack of respect". It had nothing to do with my work ethic or how I performed my job duties. Everyone says it is a blessing in disguise but I'm not to sure.

So, I'll be writing more frequently. Thank goodness because I've been lost without being able to write. Sure I could do it with a pen and piece of paper but something just isn't the same. The words don't flow as they normally would. I can't get past my handwriting or the scribbles when I make a mistake.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

How do you earn respect? Do you give respect to others even when they don't deserve it? Do you respect your elders or supervisors only because of their status or position?

Plain and simple, I'm having problems at work. The supervisor is a heavy micro-manager and it's driving me insane. Instead of trusting his employees to do the right thing, he insists on spying on them (through the computer or simply standing behind you for hours at a time). I know what needs to be done and complete it within the schedule and assure you that nobody needs to watch me work.

Honestly, I believe he singles me out of the group because I've been the ONLY one to step up to him. He is on the border line of harassment at times and uses intimidation tactics to get what he wants. I don't respect him. He lost that "priveledge" a long time ago.

Today I was told that I needed to respect him and I'm having major issues with that word. Shouldn't you earn respect (or give respect to others) in order to receive respect in return?

My heart hurts

The kiddos are gone for the summer and I’m missing them tremendously. The house is not the same.

I miss their laughs.
I miss the constant hugs.
I miss hearing them say “I love you”.
I miss tucking them into bed.
I miss picking them up from daycare and hearing about their day.
I miss watching SpongeBob.
I miss someone sitting in my lap for a cuddle.
I miss playing games with them.
I miss their knock knock jokes about apple sauce.
I miss reading them their favorite books.
I miss their smiles.
I miss the little things they find so interesting.


I MISS MY BOYS!

Devin and I

I can't ask for a better kid. Devin is an awesome little boy and this was a rare moment that he actually wanted to take a picture with me. He is still leary of us being around (espeically me), but it's still going better than expected.

Updates

Chase and I made it official this weekend. The kids and I have moved in, all my mail is forwarded to the house, and the address on all of my bills have been changed. The house is a mess and the garage looks like a tornado has blown through it but it is done.

I'll be on and off line sporadically for the next couple of months. Hopefully, our internet will be set up soon. But for now, I'm going to have to get around the blocked security of the internet police at work.

Just another year

Happy Birthday to me!

Yes, today I turn 26 years old. There is nothing really "happy" about this day other than I'm another year older.

Motherhood

Motherhood is tough. If anyone says it’s easy; they’re lying! It’s a never ending cycle of breaking up fights, laundry, cooking, cleaning, whining, crying, wiping butts, kissing boo-boos, watching SpongeBob for the 50 millionth time, etc. If you are lucky, you receive the precious gift of just a moment of sanity. This morning was the gift I have been waiting for.

The boys came home after Jimmy’s visitation weekend. In just a matter of days it seems as though they have grown inches. They were timid at first and not wanting to talk to me. That’s normal for both of them and I’m starting to get over it (it hurt a lot those first couple of months when they came home). All I wanted to do was have them in the same room with me.

This morning on my way into work, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of them. I was the crazy lady who couldn’t drive on the freeway because she wasn’t paying attention. Sorry to all those drivers out there who cussed and threw the bird at me. Anyway, this morning I looked at those two boys and realized that they are my heart, my soul, my everything.

Motherhood is tough, but it’s worth every single non-sanity minute.

The outsider looking in

Devin’s daycare is doing a “school play” on Thursday this week. Over dinner Chase and his parents talked excitedly about going while I sat silently in the corner. That was the first I had heard of any school function; obviously I wasn’t invited to go. I want to be there for Devin, support him in any way I can, be able to take all the pictures I want, and clap along with everyone else. I don’t want to hear second hand of how well he did.

Last night Devin was singing the songs that he was going to perform at the play. After he finished and I gave my round of applause he said “I want you to come and watch me. You have to bring your camera so you can take lots of pictures of me. That’s what all the other parents do.” What do I say to a 4 year old? “I can’t make it buddy. Maybe next time.” That would be a lie because I would be there in a heart beat. Do I tell him the truth? “Sorry, I wasn’t invited and your mom doesn’t want me there.” I decided against that. Instead I simply said “I’d like to go” and left it at that.

I wonder how long it will be before I’m invited to his school functions. I wonder how long it will take to get over the feeling of being an outsider looking in.

Update on Bad Dreams - Question & Answer

There have been multiple questions sent to me through email about my latest blog. I’ve decided to post some of the questions asked personally and answer them.

Question: Did you tell your parents what happened?
Answer: No. They never found out and I never mentioned it to either of them.

Question: Why didn’t you tell your parents?
Answer: This is a hard question to answer. I didn’t tell them because I felt that they would have blamed me for putting myself in that situation. I still feel that way. Somehow, someway, it would be my fault.

Question: Did you tell anyone at all? Friends, Family, Therapist, Your ex-husband, Chase, etc.?
Answer: No. When I was married to Jimmy there would be times that I would wake up screaming. I still never told him what happened and just brushed it aside as nothing important. But now my grandmother knows and I’m sure Chase will find out once he reads this.

Question: Did you see or talk to him after that day?
Answer: I did not speak to him, but I did see him almost daily until he moved. I saw him once at the mall years later. As soon as I saw him, I ducked into a store pretending to look at a clothes rack. I cried like a baby while the sales lady stared at me.

Question: Do you have intimate issues because of this?
Answer: Of coarse. I won’t go into detail for your sake and mine.

Question: Why did you write this on a public blog for anyone to read?
Answer: Why not? Writing is a form of therapy for me; it’s not for anyone else. I shouldn’t be ashamed of what happened….it’s been long enough.

Spead your wings

My Mom and I are very close; I will proudly admit that she is my best friend. When I left Jimmy she opened her house to us for however long we needed to be there. No time limits were set and if it was up to her then we would live there until the boys graduated college. It is with mixed emotion that I am choosing to leave and move in with Chase. She has been my support system, my confidant, my friend, my shoulder to cry on and I’m going to miss that. Sure, she will still be there when I need her (like any mom would) but it’s going to be different.

So, when I got this email from her this afternoon I cried.

Mom: Are you going to Chase’s tonight?? Or I guess I should say “home”
Me: Yes, I’m going to Chase’s tonight. Awwwww, that makes me sad that you say “home” like that.
Mom: Me too but we can’t keep calling it Chase’s forever. And once again I have to let you leave the nest spread your wings and fly.

Bad Dreams

I have very vivid dreams at night; good dreams and bad. They don’t always involve myself, friends, or family but instead are of complete strangers or blurred faces. My dream last night was one that I’ve had many times and every single time I wake up in a panic.

A 13-year-old girl huddles in a group of guys during a serious game of football. She is considered “one of the guys” and is covered in grass stains and dirt. No touch football for that girl. She is determined to prove that she can take a full blown tackle even if her chest feels like it will explode when someone pounds into her head first. This isn’t her first game she's played, but she feels she has to prove that a girl can play football just as well as a guy.

Pure concentration is seen on everyone’s face as strategies are whispered. The game is tied and this was the last chance to win the entire game. The huddle is split and she takes her position at the end of the line. The ball is hiked and she runs full force to the end zone while the other team pulls on her shirt. The other team thinks the only way to stop her is by ripping her shirt so she will be embarrassed and give up. She continues to run as the ball is thrown, and to everyone’s amazement she catches it. The guys on her team all congratulate her by smacking her butt. She feels accepted again.

The game is over and she is invited by one of the older boys to celebrate the recent victory. It’s still early and her parents won’t be home for a couple of hours, what harm could it be? It started innocent enough with them sitting on the couch, but it turned horrible within seconds. He was on top of her in an instant breathing heavily in her neck. "You know you want me. You know you want it." She kept telling him to get off and no matter how hard she pushed he was too strong. The more she struggled and yelled the worse it became. He unbuttoned her pants and she began to cry. Finally, she gave up; she was tired of fighting.

She closed her eyes while he began to rape her. He enjoyed watching her in pain, he enjoyed watching her give up, he enjoyed the power he had over her. Inside she was mortified, scared, screaming at him to stop. After he finished with her he threw her off the couch and told her to get the fuck out.

This is where I wake up in a panic; crying and shaking at the realization that it is not just a dream. It is my living nightmare that nobody knows about. I've hidden this secert for 12 years and I feel as though I re-live that experience far to often in my dreams.

Welcome to Dallas

Chase and I had a kid-free weekend and went to Dallas to visit some friends. It was extremely nice to get away and spend time with Jake and Erin. We got home Sunday night drained and exhausted. Here are some pictures from Saturday.

Me, sitting on the potty. For real! LOL

Jake and Chase laughing, this was a common occurance!

I felt like this elephant was looking straight at me asking for help.

Erin and Jake