Adequate single parent?

It's the holidays and my co-workers usually exchange gifts every year to celebrate. My boss gave me a Christmas goodie basket and I said with complete honesty that he didn't have to do that. His response was "I feel sorry for you and kids this Christmas with everything going on." Now that I think about it, his comment makes me feel like people will start believing that I'm not an adequate parent. I logically know that he did not mean anything of the sort, but it still makes me wonder if people truly measure your ability to parent depending on having a spouse or partner.

Today was D-Day

It's official! I'm a divorced, single mom. It's alittle intimidating to stand in front of a judge to declare that you no longer love a man that you vowed to stick with for better or worse. To think 7 years ago I promised to remain married to this man until the day one of us died, and now I'm breaking that promise. If you really think about it I was already dead inside.

Everyone keeps asking what I'm feeling. I don't know how to explain it. I'm feeling excited, sad, happy, reflective, scared, etc. I have my kids, my family, and, believe it or not, I have a man in my life that I'm completely in love with. Things would be different if I were alone or if I came home to an empty house. If I didn't have anybody in my life then I'm sure it would have been a depressing day. But that isn't the case.

Despite all the emotions, I feel like this is the right decision.

A mother's love never dies

Chase and I went to eat Chinese food tonight for our romantic dinner. We sat alone in the smoking section for 10 minutes and soon a couple was seated next to us. The woman was a very talkative older lady. Very vibrant and reminded me of my grandmother. In between plates she looks at me and says, "You look exactly like my daughter. You are so beautiful. Everything about you reminds me of her." Then she says, "My daughter died in a car accident." I immediately said, "I'm sorry to hear that." Throughout the rest of our meals I could feel her watching me.

Strangely enough we finished our meals at about the same time. They got up to leave and she asked if she could give me a hug. I got up and gave her a hug you would give to someone in your family. Very close and personal (not the sideways hug that you would give to a stranger). She whispers in my ear, "I love you honey. Merry Christmas." It took everything I had in me not to cry on her shoulder. You could hear the hurt in her voice. The pain of losing a child. I felt so sad for this woman who shared such an intimate connection with me.

This stranger made me appreciate my two healthy boys even more. To cherish the moments we have together because at anytime it could be taken away.

Divorce count down - 4 days

Jimmy was given the final decree to look over about 2 weeks ago. I KNEW he would have issues with the back child support. The months that he REFUSED to help in any way. It totaled out to be alittle less than $2500. My lawyer called me yesterday and said that he doesn’t agree with the back support. He will agree to pay $1200 in one lump sum though. To get everything over with, I agreed to that.

With Jimmy it will always be a fight. What’s sad is this is just the beginning. I’m going to have to fight for everything those kids deserve for the next 14-15 years. And honestly I don’t have the strength to do it. At least not right now. Which in turn does that make me a bad mom for NOT fighting for what those kids deserve?

I realized awhile ago that he will always be the dead beat dad and will never take care of his kids. He will never be the father/husband/person that I hoped he would be. His actions proved his character when I left, and that’s what makes me not want to go back to him ever again. He proved what kind of person he truly is and I don’t ever want to be around him.

I feel like a fool for crying.

Christmas Pictures

Today we took our family Christmas pictures and for the first time in 4 years we had several good ones to choose from. The kids were amazing and the photographer did an excellent job keeping them entertained.

It's bittersweet taking our first picture of a family of 3.

I look at this picture and see the smiles on the faces of my children. It makes me realize that I can be a good Mom, even if I don't have the support from a husband.

What am I thankful for during Thanksgiving?

• I'm thankful for having two great kids, because without them I would be nothing.
• I'm thankful for having a supportive family. Without them, I'm not sure where I would be.
• I'm thankful that I was able to find love again. To have that butterfly in the stomach feeling again every time I see him.
• I'm thankful for my friends who stood beside me when I was crying, laughing, screaming, venting, etc.
• I'm thankful for having the courage to leave a loveless marriage.
• I'm thankful for being happy again.
• I have a lot to be thankful for this year but I'll keep the list short.

Thoughts of Marriage?

I never would have imagined saying the following sentence so soon but here you go. I miss being married. Don't get me wrong, I do NOT miss being married to Jimmy but I miss it in general. Actually, I miss being a wife. I miss coming home and getting a kiss, cooking a favorite meal, smelling a freshly showered man, even the farting and burping that goes along with it. I miss doing things as a couple/family, waking up early in the morning and doing the nasty, and actually thinking of someone else before myself. I will always be a mother....but being a wife is a totally different feeling.

I hope that I will be able to experience that again. Who knows. Ok, I'm done being mushy.

The reality

So, today I got the very first child support check from Jimmy and it's with mixed emotions. I look at it and feel it's justice that he finally has to own up to his responsibility. I think of how the kids will benefit from his money. But for some reason the reality that our marriage is over is finally hitting home. Before now, it's just been "oh I'm getting a divorce, no big deal" but to see this piece of paper in my hand is weird. I'm happy and sad at the same time. Sad that I have to put the kids through this but happy that this is a new beginning or a new chapter of my life.

I'm back from my lunch date!

Lunch was fabulous! Ok, my nerves got the best of me and I was a babbling idiot, but other than that it went well. I got there first, no surprise since I'm usually way early for everything, and waited for him. He walked up to me and gave me the biggest hug. Wait.....are those angels singing? I seriously did not want to let go. Chase looked AMAZING! I couldn't stop smiling at him and the butterflies were fluttering so hard that I thought they would start bursting out of my stomach.

Honestly, I have a feeling that he is just looking for a friend. Nothing romantic. And I'm ok with that. In the beginning of my search I wanted to find him to rekindle our friendship, so if nothing else comes from this then I'm ok with it. Ok fine I'll stop kidding myself. A little part of me wants something more. :)

I got back to the office and had an email waiting on my return. I can't stop smiling!

C: I am glad that we got together for lunch I enjoyed it. Now maybe this weekend you wont be so nervous.
Me: Thank you for coming and no problem about lunch! I had fun even though it didn’t seem like it. By the end, I wasn’t as nervous. And I promise I’ll try not to be nervous this weekend. Sorry, you just have that way with me. D@mn you! You looked good.
C: Why thanks, I was really enjoying your company, I almost did something but right at the last moment I decided that it might be best to wait a little while. Or atleast the next time we see each other.
Me: Like what?
C: Like you don’t know what I was walking you to the door of your truck for. You know what was on my mind.
Me: I’m innocent. Don’t you remember that? I have no idea what you’re talking about. I thought you were walking me to my car to be nice. :) Well, you should have.
C: LOL, well I did want to and thought about doing it if it makes you feel better.
Me: And honestly, I didn’t know if you were into me in that way. Or if you just want to be friends.
C: I surprised that you didn’t think that I would be into you like that, hell I couldn’t stop smiling

Meeting Chase for lunch

So, in just one hour I'll be seeing Chase for the first time in almost 8 years. I'm a nervous wreck! I send out a S.O.S. to my friends for a confidence boost:

"Tell me nice things…like Chase would be a loser if he didn’t fall in love with me the moment he sees me. And I’m so beautiful. LOL! Yeah right! I’m so nervous I want to puke over everything on my desk. I’m leaving at 11 to meet him!"

In moments my mailbox fills. Cyndi's responds first:

"You ARE beautiful!!! And smart and sweet and funny, and he would be a fool to do anything less than fall head over heels for you! But wait, I’m sorry, he can’t do that at lunch… HE ALREADY HAS! :) It’s obvious from his emails that he is already still gaga over you. So, be confident – know that he already wants you - and go knock his socks off even more. Go get him Tiger!!! :) And let me know immediately when you get back!! Good luck!!!"

Ok, I'm feeling better. Next is Stacy:

"You ARE beautiful! And you have an amazing personality, and you're funny, and smart! You obviously have a special something that's getting all these guys hooked on you from the 1st moment they're with you! Chase would be nuts if he didn't fall in love with you all over again as soon as he sees you today!!! I would advise NOT puking....that might not work for you ;o) Let me know how it goes!!!"

Without friends like this I think life would be miserable. I'm still nervous but I'm feeling much better about this lunch "date".

The wait is over

This morning I come into the office with a message waiting for me. I hold my breath and say alittle prayer that it's from Chase. Low and behold, it WAS from him! His response was:

"If by moved you mean to Lufkin then yeah i be the one, that has never forgotten about you and has tried to find you but the only thing i remembered was your old yahoo email address that didnt work. WOW what has been up, you look good and its glad to hear from you again."

Never forgotten about me? HUH?!?!?! He can't really be serious. Just reading those words gives me butterflies in my stomach. What do I write in return?

Finding an old love

I'm going to admit something that I haven't told anyone before. For the past 8 years, I've thought about an ex boyfriend of mine. Don't get me wrong, while I was married I never wanted to contact him for romantic purposes. Before I lost contact with him he was having some medical problems and I've always wondered how he was doing. Every time I searched for him I came up empty until today!

Chase was 20 and I was only 17. He was my first real boyfriend and someone I fell madly in love with. He broke up with me because of the age difference. He was about to turn 21 and wanted to be able to go to the bar and drink. Of coarse, I wouldn't be able to go with him and he didn't want to worry about me sitting at home. Yeah, it was a stupid excuse. I was completely heartbroken.

Chase and Melissa - 2000

I've been thinking about him lately. Wondering how his life is going. Did he get married? Have kids? In a perfect relationship? How is he doing medically? I'm not going to lie....he will always have alittle piece of my heart.

So, I did another search for him today thinking it would come up empty. The first couple of websites I visited came up with the same results (no person matching that name). I'm on the last site and I think I finally found him! His picture is blurred out and his profile is set to private BUT in my heart I really think this is the guy. I sent a short message asking if I had the right "Chase". I'm crossing my fingers that I get a reply.

Promises, promises, and more promises!

Over the weekend I had alot of thinking to do and it was really quite simple. I came to the same conclusion every single time. I don't want to be with him any more! The fact that he left Gen and is expecting me to change my mind about the divorce in just a matter of days doesn't prove any type of love for me. It only shows how scared he is at the possibility of being alone. When I got into work this morning this email awaited:

Hey Baby I was just hoping you could tell me what all was on your mind. I will help with Daycare, go to counseling, and anything else you want baby. I feel like there is still something there betwen us I just need to give you time to heal. I also help pay you back for the lawyer and in the end if we decide its not the best thing to do I pay for the lawyer next time. Please baby dont go through with the divorce, give me some time to prove myself to you and time for your heart to mend. I love you so much and have been a jerk and a idiot for a while. I am ready to put you and my family first and to get our finances straight so one day we can have a house of our own.

My thoughts:

1. "Baby" will no longer be accepted as a form of endearment. I think I threw up in my mouth alittle.
2. He promises so much but will never put forth the effort.
3. These are only words to him, empty promises.
4. I've heard the same lines year after year and nothing has ever changed.
5. Jimmy is a jerk and an idiot. He himself admitted it.

Jimmy wants to work things out

I got a phone call this morning from Jimmy (who was crying on the other end). He said he left Genny because he realized he wanted to work things out between us. You've got to be kidding!!! I decided to go to lunch with him because honestly I wanted the poop on the Genny situation. Not to mention, I really wanted to see him so hurt and depressed by the decisions he made in life.

When I returned from lunch he sent me the following email:

I just wanted to say it was very nice to have lunch with you today. You looked very good and beautiful as always. Baby I want you to know I do anything and everything to gain your trust and love back. I was wondering if you would like to come over sunday afternoon and maybe take the boys to the park. If that is to much to soon i will understand. I also was wondering if you might could put a hold on the divorce will we try to work things out. I truelly have never stopped loving you I was just stupid, and lead in the wrong direction. I should have been trying to make things right with you the whole time.

To this I say....what a crock of horse poo! There is no way I'm going to put the divorce on hold because HE wants to work things out.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?

I try to stay a positive person even through everything that is happening in my life right now. I have to believe that things happen for a reason and even though things aren't going so well at this moment that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel. It has to get better! If I didn't believe that I'm not sure I would be able to get out of bed every morning.
Today was just a rough day in general. I woke up with a migraine and the kids were misbehaving, screaming, and into EVERYTHING all day long. Tonight as I sit at home I'm feeling overwhelmed.

The light at the end of the tunnel seems like it is disappearing rather than getting brighter.

An empty house

Today was a busy day for me, extremely busy! Jimmy took the kids out of town to see his mother so I booked the movers and cleaned out the apartment. He is moving in with his girlfriend the end of July so what does he need our furniture for? What a pleasant surprise for him. I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see the look on his face when he walks into an empty house.

Revenge is sweet. When you cheat on your wife....you come home to an empty house!

You got served!

Jimmy got served divorce papers today at 2 o'clock. Drinks are on me!

10 reasons why it's a good idea to get a divorce

10. You can have all the hot water you want in the mornings.
9. No more smelling nasty farts or burps.
8. Cooking for one is so much easier.
7. I can watch whatever I want on tv and whenever I want.
6. Don't have to listen to snoring all night.
5. I can spend time with my friends without checking in with anyone.
4. Shopping! Enough said!
3. No more washing of dirty underwear and socks - other than your own.
2. Don't have to put with my crazy mother-in-law.
1. I'm able to fall in love again with someone and get that butterfly in the stomach feeling.

Reflections on life

I have realized that I missed a lot by getting married at such a young age. Most of my friends are still in the college, roaring twenties, party hard, and drink until you throw up or pass out. I, on the other hand, am worrying about paying daycare, supporting two boys, and struggling through the emotions of a divorce. Two completely different phases!

I envy the friends that I have and wish I could have done the same. But in the end, I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. The struggles that I have been through, the struggles I’m going through now, and the struggles that I will face in the future all build my character.

An email from "Jimmy"

While on vacation, Jimmy sent me the following email. He should know after almost 7 years together that I know his writing skills. I know for a fact he did not write this. Jimmy can not put on coherent sentence together to save his life. I found out later that his girlfriend, Genny, wrote it. She doesn't know the Jimmy I know and is accepting his lies as the truth. She is going to find out sooner or later that he isn't who he says he is!

ok. I'm done and have had enough. First thing tomorrow I will have my own lawyer. I dont know who you think you are talk to but I am not stupid. NO the thing about having the boys around Genny, IS NOT standard, I have asked a lawyer about it! That is something that has to be added. If you think you what to add it and drag me to court every time you go right ahead, I hope you have some money saved up and a damn good lawyer. You are acting like a spoiled child who didnt get their way. YOU left me! You are mad that I am happy and moving on. I guess you thought I would be alone and waiting for you when you wanted to come back. I asked you to come back and get help and all I heard was how much you hated me and didnt love me and never should have married me. Well now you have what you wanted, your freedom.

About the bills, if you are saying that you are not going to pay the cell phone bill, thats fine. IT WILL BE turned off first thing tomorrow. You went running home to your parents where the only thing you pay is daycare. I dont care to hear about you paying rent and any other bills there. we both know that is a lie. You seem to have money for new clothes, trips out of town, hair, nails, eating out, but no money for daycare. GROW UP! You are a mother with responsibilities. If you dont want deal with acting like an adult, give me the boys and I will take care of them.

While I am on the subject of the boys....I dont care who or what you do, HOWEVER, if you think for a sec that you are moving MY boys out of state you have another thing comming!

I am again TELLING you that you need to have whatever you want out of the apartment NO LATER than JULY 15TH! If not it will all condisered ABANDONED PROPERTY and be thrown away.

Melissa, I am truely sorry we didnt work out. YOU left and we both need to move on. Our divorce needs to be handled and be done with. From this point on, unless it has to do with the boys or when you are comming to get your things or you are signing papers...I DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU! Save whatever nasty email you are thinking about sending because I will not be answering you.

Happy 25th Birthday to me!

I'm all alone for my birthday! The kids are with Jimmy this week and I have the house to myself. It's nice to take a long bubble bath without someone knocking at the door yelling "MOMMA".

My co-workers took me out to lunch. Becky made a cake, which is a miracle in itself since she claims she is allergic to the kitchen. The kids called this morning and came by the office at lunch to give me a card and flowers. I guess Jimmy gets some credit.
But I'd be lying if I said I'm not lonely. It sucks to celebrate your birthday by yourself. Thank you to everyone who has left a message or called to wish me a happy birthday. I really appreciate it.

A really bad day!

It’s been a rough day. A day that I want to just sit in a dark room and cry. Cry until I can’t cry anymore. I wish everything would magically all be better. Most days I look at this and think that these struggles will only make me stronger but I feel like these struggles are going to torture me to death. I feel like in the end it wont make a bit of difference. I want to stop caring, I want to stop eating, I want to stop the drama, I want to stop life!

My first date?

Yes, I had a date today. Are you shocked?

A friend of mine set me up on a personals website (which I had no clue about until I started getting emails). I decided to answer one or two emails and I actually really liked one guy in particular. After a week of talking, we decided to meet when the kids were gone for the weekend. This morning I went to church and had an intense feeling that I needed to just call him and ask to meet for lunch. He suggested a kid-friendly place so the kids wouldn't be bored.

I was nervous! I can't describe how nervous I was. We met outside and I knew from the beginning he wasn't "in to" me. CRUSHING! He gave me one of those half-side hugs the one that says "I'm trying to be nice". The rest of the meal I just couldn't talk. I couldn't look at him. My nerves got the best of me and I wasn't myself (the half hug didn't help either).

I don't know if I can do this again. It has been almost 8 years since I had a date! It was alot easier to do it without kids and I certainly looked alot different. How the hell am I supposed to do this again?

Self Affirmation Day

Today is affirmation day. I am going to post 5 things that I like about myself. What about you? Can you find 5 things you like about yourself? Tell me what they are. (seems only fair since I am telling you mine).

1. I like ME. I may not have the best of confidence about myself or I may want to change a few things, but overall I like who I am today.
2. I like my compassion for others. I am the friend that will do anything to make it all better, I’ll be there when needed, or give the shirt off my back.
3. I like my nose. It’s probably the only part of my body that I actually like. I think it’s cute!
4. I like being a smart ass. It catches people off guard.
5. I like being the “quiet” one who observes everyone and everything.

Questions on dating

OK, I know it is too early to be dating but I have a question. Do guys at the age of 30-35 still have the mentality of a 25 year old? Are they still only looking for that trophy wife. Still worried about how fat or thin a woman is? Or are they thinking about a woman's personality and how they will "fit".

I understand that physical attraction plays a big part in the whole dating scene. But are men willing to look past the physical aspect and really look at you as a person?

On good terms - at least for right now.

Jimmy and I actually talked about the dreaded word “divorce”. Luckily we are agreeing on everything right now even though he is worried about the amount he will have to pay in child support. He does not understand that he makes 3 times as much as I do and I can not support the boys by myself. I’m not going to back down. Yes, it’s great that I have parent’s that are willing to let us stay at there house while I get the divorce finalized, but the kids need their own place to call home. I need a place to call my own. For some reason, Jimmy doesn’t understand that.

I’ve agreed to go out to a bar this weekend. Supposedly, it isn’t one of those meat-market bars but rather a low key place to hang out. At first I declined but I changed my mind after I realized that I need to start making friends of my own. Of course, I’m in no way looking for someone to marry or another man to whisk me off my feet but I am ready to make/meet new friends.

Is it wrong to feel this good about a divorce????

Contacting a divorce lawyer

Today I contacted a divorce lawyer for some information. She was referred to by my Mom's co-worker who recently went through a divorce herself. Can this really be happening? All of this seems surreal.

Explaining divorce to the kids

I've gotten several questions on why we can't go "home" from the boys. Every morning Garrett will say, "We going home now?" It breaks my heart! My sister-in-law, Stacy, suggested a book that would explain some of things that are going on. Yesterday afternoon I stopped by the bookstore and picked up Dinosaurs Divorce. I'm actually surprised at how straight foward the book is. You think that your children are too young to be told what is really going on, but they need to know!

Definition of cheating?

How do you define cheating?

1. Spouse "pleasuring" themselves without your knowledge.
2. Spouse going to a strip club.
3. Spouse looking for another person to have relations with, but not actually physically doing anything. You could call this an emotional affair.
4. The actual act (kissing, foreplay, etc.)

I'd like to know your opinion on it.

And the sadness sets in

It has been 3 days since I found out about my husband's secret messages on the internet and this is the first day that I'm actaully sad. It is the first day that I cried. You would think that I would be upset about losing a man that I married almost 6 years ago, but I'm sad that I don't want to work things out. That I would rather walk away from him instead of staying and repairing our marriage. I'm sad that I regret marrying him at 18 years old. I'm sad that I wish the kids weren't part of the picture because things would be so easy. And most important I'm sad that I'm taking our family away from my boys.

Separation

Jimmy and I separated today. I'm not sure what is going to happen in the long run. I'm trying to take things one day at a time.

Confronting a cheater

I was in the kitchen and said that I printed some stuff at work that he needed to look at. I handed him the messages and he looked at them for about 10 minutes; no changes in his face. Finally I said SOOOO? This is the good part….

J: They’re messages, so what.
Me: Just messages?
J: You told me to make an account so I could find people I used to go to school with but I couldn’t find anyone.
Me: So, because you couldn’t find anyone you knew you starting finding other girls.
J: We were just talking.
Me: So, it’s ok that you say to another woman that “you can’t wait to see her in the bathing suit”?
J: It was only one time.
Me: One time? It dates all the way from December to now.
J: Well I meant one time period.
Me: Why did you do it? What were you looking for?
J: I’m just stupid, I didn’t know what I was doing. I’m stupid.
Me: Just to let you know, the kids and I will not be home tomorrow.
J: No response.

As soon as I started packing the bags, he sat on the bed and cried for 2 hours. I slept in the living room.

This morning he texted me on the way to work and said:
J: I’m sorry
Me: No response
J: Do you want me to come over Sat. I promise I did it that one time and never again. I thought I wanted something else then I realized I had all I needed. That’s why I stopped talking and never sent them emails.
Me: I don’t think it’s a good idea about you coming Sat.
J: When are you coming home?
Me: Don’t know
J: Can we talk sometime
Me: maybe
J: When you are ready, just me and you. I know you don’t believe me but I never met or talked on the phone with anyone. I am here when you are ready to talk.
Me: Whatever you have to say isn’t going to make a difference.
J: So are you saying there is no hope or chance to work it out.
Me: I don’t know
J: I don’t want to lose you and the kids. I will do anything.
Me: You should have thought about that when you started looking for someone and something else.